Part II: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Next Steps: Planning the Memorial
Last week in Part I of this series, we looked what families yearn for in their memorial ceremonies. What they want and what they don’t want. This week, let us turn to the logistics of Planning a Memorial Ceremony. The Who, What, Where, How? Here are 8 things to keep in mind.
Things to keep in mind when planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life or other Ceremony of Remembrance.
1. Where? Find the right place. Think outside the box (no pun intended). The spaces at most Funeral Homes are pretty traditional. However there are cemeteries (in Vancouver Mountain View and First Memorial in North Vancouver) that have beautiful spaces designed to suit large and small gatherings. Hotels can offer conference rooms that can be set up with round tables. I’ve even done memorials in restaurants, as well as cocktail style in a formal lounge. What about at a vineyard or wine tasting space?
2. Who? Who should lead, write, or create the ceremony? Do you want a professional Funerl Celebrant to guide you? Or can Uncle Bob wing it perfectly fine? (Honestly, I do NOT recommend the latter. I’ve been to a few ‘Uncle Bob’ ceremonies and felt worse afterwards because there was no emotional flow, no cohesiveness, and a whole lot of depth got missed.) My recommendation is to google Funeral Celebrants in your area. These are people like yours truly, who are trained specifically (and usually feel called) to do this work. You can decide on the degree of their involvement, but it is a wise idea to seek professional support here. If you want to know more about me as a Funeral Celebrant, click here. Also, stay tuned to Part III of this series where I go into this in more detail.
3. Food and Drink. Would you like to serve food to your guests? What about coffee tea or even wine? I find that buffet style receptions just don’t seem to go well. There is usually a lot of food waste because most people aren’t quite in the mood to chow down. However, Hor d’oeuvre style receptions seem to flow really well, and they are easier too! Think about choosing little appetizers or small bites of larger meals that your loved one enjoyed, e.g. bite-sized mac n’cheese balls.
4. Seating. In the past month alone I performed two ceremonies where guests stood or were seated at bar height chairs around small round tables, much as one would for a cocktail party. The atmosphere was intimate and immediately said, ‘this is going to be extraordinary!’ On the other hand, many people choose rows of seats facing forward. This allows them to see the speakers but also to have some privacy to their emotions. My experience is that seating is wise if the mood is one of a deep grief. It’s hard to stand when you have little strength.
5. Amplification: A ceremony professional should speak in a voice that is trained for public speaking, is well modulated, and is well suited for projecting into large spaces. For gatherings of under 80 people, I rarely use a microphone. At a recent ceremony where there were over 300 mourners, many in overflow spaces and even listening to speakers in the parking lot, amplification was a MUST. As for family/friends invited to speak during the ceremony, my experience is that 99% of people cannot project beyond a couple of rows, if that. Even when they are used to public speaking, addressing a room full of people when one is grieving is extremely difficult. Please ensure they have amplification! Additionally, make sure you provide a microphone of the sort that picks up sound from several inches away. Avoid microphones that require the speaker to speak so close it is as though they are consuming it.That is awkward too.
6. Music. This is a wonderful element to introduce in a memorial ceremony. I love it when there is music playing to guide people in and get settled. It’s also lovely to play a favorite song or two during video or photo montages that run during the ceremony. Choose the music that accompanies video portraits carefully. I recommend two songs: one to begin that is slower and more melancholy. And the second to be one that uplifts. Otherwise it is hard to recover any lightness of being. Think about having music play during the reception… choose songs that the person loved to listen to. Avoid overtly sad music. The ceremony is done and guests will appreciate being able to mingle and share stories that are more uplifting. The tone of the music should both reflect and encourage this. Designate someone to make sure they know how to use the electronic system at your venue!!! Yikes… I can tell you a story or two about that!
7. Video. I always cry and laugh when I watch videos my clients put together of their loved ones. Such a slice of life. People in times of family celebrations like weddings, the births of children, but also doing the most ordinary of things. Often is the ordinary day to day things that we miss the most! See my recommendations on musical accompaniment in #6 above. Videos seem to give people permission to smile and laugh through their tears! Gets me every time, and I often have never met the person.
8. Things to showcase. Kids and teenagers enjoy putting together photo boards. I also encourage families to bring items of daily life that belonged to their loved one, e.g. gardening gloves, a favorite hat, a refereree whistle, watercolours and paintbrushes, craft objects e.g. stained glass and the like made by the deceased, aprons, recipe cards… that’s a good one for a cook by the way: copy recipe cards and make them available for people to take away. You can even make some of cookies a baker was known for.
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There are many more things to keep in mind when planning the logistics around a memorial ceremony. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let’s keep it simple, because with the right support — it can be!
Join me next week for Part III of Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance. I’ll be talking in more depth about the WHO. Finding the right person to create a ceremony that truly honours your loved one and also help you begin to embrace life without them in it.
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Celebration of Life Planning: Who do you turn to?
Your loved one has died. Who will help plan the Memorial or Celebration of Life?
– Every month a grieving family finds me and I can see their panic and then their relief.
Panic at not having a clue how to plan such an important event as a Memorial or Celebration of Life for someone they loved with all their heart. Relief to find someone unstuffy, real, and totally on their side, who will help them to do it.
Here is a letter from a recent client. She speaks to that experience of confusion and relief far better than I ever could. Let’s hear what she has to say:
We are a small family and my father passed away at 60, which left a huge hole in our lives and in our hearts. He had always had health issues but an out-of-the-blue cancer diagnosis followed by three months in hospice was devastating. We were so emotionally and physically wiped after his passing.
At first we couldn’t face the prospect of a service but within a few weeks we knew we needed to have one for the friends who supported him and us and for everyone to remember and honour him together. We found a wonderful venue at Mountain View Celebration Hall and started the planning. It became clear that we had no idea how to structure the celebration and we hadn’t a clue where to start.
It was beginning to feel overwhelming and we worried that the celebration would fall flat. I had never heard of a celebrant before and we were told of Michele and her services and instantly felt relieved.
We felt comfortable with her as soon as we sat across the table from her and we were able to give her the details about my father’s life that she needed to prepare and lead the ceremony for us.
She provided emotional support and allowed us to be who we are and guided us on practicalities when we needed it. We felt she totally understood us in our state of grief, and we trusted her to handle such an important event in our lives.
She is truly remarkable to be able to work with so many different families with unique personalities and dynamics and yet make you feel that your family is totally normal and that what you’re doing is exactly right.
We are grateful to have shared our father’s life with her and to have her share it with those closest to us on our behalf. The ceremony would not have been the same without her.
My dad and Michele would have liked each other if they had ever met.
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May these words inspire other families to know that they are not alone. Feel free to call me to discuss crafting a meaningful memorial for someone in your life who has passed away. A memorial often begins the public part of grief… mourning. A ceremony, even a small one, can be a crucial and healing step on your journey through grief.
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Part I: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Celebrating a Life: Planning a memorial.
We live in a society that is uncomfortable with death, grief, and mourning. And when it comes to memorials and other celebrations of life we don’t always know how to create them or what to do. Not surprising, after all most people have had little experience.But let me tell you this — people usually know what they DON’T WANT. The families I serve in ceremony at end of life DO NOT want maudlin displays of plastic mourning, and they DO NO WANT stale rites by rote.
They want real, truthful, honest memorials that capture the essence of the person they loved. And they long for the memorial to be done well so that it is a stepping stone that will help them grieve and mourn. Most people want me to tell them that what they are experiencing is normal. And it is. Every single time.
With a few exceptions the individuals and families I work with are not formally religious. They usually consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Which tells me, “we want something meaningful with no dogma.” They connect to what is personal, meaningful, and memorable. Because of the intensity of their grief, these lovely men and women nearly always find it difficult to articulate their innermost feelings without support and guidance.
Once I invite those feelings in, let them know I’m comfortable with whatever comes up, and begin asking them gentle but perceptive questions… boy oh boy the stories start tumbling out and feelings come along with them! This is why I especially love the family interviews. It’s so powerful to witness this collective remembering and unfolding of hearts. That is my path as a Celebrant… to help people express the inexpressible so it may be shared with others.
When is the right time to plan a Memorial?
Usually when someone we love passes away, we move quickly to hold a ceremony to honour that person. It feels important to do so. There is often a sense of urgency for many people. But I also work with families who wait several months (if the body has been cremated). They want to be able to plan and participate in a memorial ceremony when they are more present than in those early dark days of shock.
Families hold memorials at different times. In my practice, I tell people that we can create a ceremony whenever it suits them. Some have a more immediate public memorial, with a more intimate family gathering at a later date, perhaps to scatter or inter cremated remains. I also tell them that whatever and whenever, it can be however they need it to be. I threw the cookie cutters out a long time ago. In fact, I never used them… even in real life cooking!
Please join me next week for Part II of my 4-part series on “Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance.” In PART TWO: I’ll talk about the specifics such as When, Where, Who, Reception, Music, etc.
Michele Davidson, Professional Celebrant and Officiant
Love. A death Anniversary.
Today is the death anniversary of my dearest friend Nicki. November 17, 2004.I don’t consciously mark the date of end of her life, or the manner of her death through suicide. But my body always remembers.
There is no note on the calendar or in my daytimer.
But yesterday I began to feel like I was spinning. Had the distinct sense that I was riding a train that just got switched to an entirely new track, going to a new place without my permission. I felt anxious, fluttery, worried, and sad.
This morning in my meditation practice, my mind connected with what was going on in my body. My body reminded me of the single most painful moment of my life, seven years ago. As flashbacks of the moment I was told of her death hit me, I rocked back and forth on my cushion remembering the sound that came from my mouth at that time. A keening. A howling. Terrible.
In the safety and sanctity of my meditation room, tears wet my face. I literally was trembling. And then there came a gentling. I felt awash with a powerful feeling that took over from the painful memories. I believe it was love in its purest form. Love for my dear friend’s sorrow…love for the amazing person she was and the extraordinary experiences she awakened me to in life, and in her death… love for my still wounded self.
It was Nicki’s death that led me to the practice of Celebrancy. Her death changed my life. Her memory guides me today in many aspects of my life including my ceremonial practice.
Today I honour the Sister of my Heart. Thank you Nickster for helping me to sing my song. Bless you.
Celebrant Michele