Divorce Hurts: A new way to Heal

This article by Modern Celebrant ran in the October issue of the prestigious Spirituality and Health Magazine. (How thrilling is that!)

Divorce holds the potential to transform the lives of those who go through it. It is a painful journey, one that takes courage and a personal commitment to healing. So what gives with the lack of ritual around it?

There is a trend gathering steam that supports divorced individuals to embrace their future in a meaningful way: Divorce Ceremonies. A thoughtful Divorce Ceremony mindfully unbinds the emotional ties of a relationship and can be a hugely transformative part of the healing process. An aim may be to help the individual acknowledge the good parts of the marriage and not reject it outright. In virtually every marriage, even the most dysfunctional, there were lessons learned and small blessings (sometimes in disguise!) Read More >

Divorce Hurts: A new way to heal

The ending in Divorce of a marriage that once began with such hope and promise can feel like a death. Isn’t it curious that our culture has a ceremony to begin a marriage, but nothing to observe its undoing? That we hold a memorial to mourn a loss through death, but have nothing to help us mourn the loss of our marriage.

And yet, as with all significant life experiences, divorce holds the potential to transform the lives of those who go through it. Though there is no denying that it’s a painful journey, one that takes courage and a personal commitment to healing. There is a trend gathering steam that supports those living through divorce in a deeply meaningful way.

A Divorce Ceremony mindfully unbinds the emotional ties of a relationship in a way impersonal legal paperwork simply cannot possibly address. This unbinding of emotional ties supports individuals to embrace the future with hope and to step forward into a new chapter of their lives.

A Divorce Ceremony can be a transformational part of the healing process, helping to acknowledge the good parts of the marriage and not to reject it outright. It’s important to remember that an ended marriage does not mean that the entire relationship was a failure. In virtually every marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, lie lessons and blessings.

But do let me be very clear on two points.

• Divorce ceremonies are not to be confused with divorce parties, which are often about revenge and covering up resentment. Sure, throwing darts at a photograph of your ex while inebriated friends cheer you on may hold appeal for some, but such actions do nothing to address and heal deeper wounds.

• And, one must be well and truly ready. This is why a Divorce Ceremony is often not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over. It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.

I find my most powerful experiences leading Divorce Ceremonies have been with individuals two years after their divorce. It takes that long (or longer) to emerge from grief and truly be ready to embrace a new way of being.

Through the reflective work we do to develop the ceremony, the individual comes to inwardly acknowledge the blessings of the marriage and the opportunities that lie ahead as the result of its conclusion. During the ceremony, the honoree does something deeply symbolic to outwardly manifest this acceptance. This can take the form of clipping the edges of a marriage certificate to symbolically render it null and then making pledges for ones future, reworking a ring, or gifting. When the union has brought children into the world, there are various ways to signify intention to interact respectfully with ones former spouse. Weaving together all these threads is good old-fashioned story telling. The telling of individual’s emotional journey in a way that is neither self-indulgent nor dismissive. Honest and real are the way to go.

Typically a small but close group of family and friends are invited to attend the intimate ceremony. Without exception it is my experience that guests (I like to think of them as participants) are surprised to find that the ceremony provides a safe place for them to process whatever feelings they themselves hold around this divorce.

By witnessing a ceremony that recognizes divorce with compassion and forthrightness, there is the chance to address the importance of acknowledging the deep communal impact of this life transition. Frequently, participants who themselves are divorced say it was helped them reframe their personal experience.

Interested in creating your own divorce ceremony? You can google professional Celebrants in your area. Celebrants are professionally trained ceremony specialists with a deep understanding of rites of passage such as divorce. She or he will work with you to create a personal ceremony for you, one that reflects your experiences and personality.

You may also want to pick up Marianne Williamson’s lovely book Illuminata: Thoughts, Prayer, Rites of Passage. In her chapter on divorce, Williamson wisely suggests prayers of forgiveness and release. I find inspiration in her suggestion: “I bless you and release you. Please forgive me; I forgive you. Go in peace. You will remain in my heart.”

By Master Celebrant Michele Davidson 604.992.4217

Donna’s June Divorce Ceremony

I created a Divorce Transition Ceremony for Donna to unbind the emotional ties of her marriage to her former husband. Though the actual divorce had been finalized a year previously, for Donna (as with most people) a bit of space was needed to be emotionally ready to close this important chapter of her life and turn the page on another.

Divorce ceremonies are not very common. And yet I have seen the incredible power they hold for acceptance and healing. This is why I persevere. The ceremony was recorded by CBC Radio and aired on its popular program Tapestry.

As I opened Donna’s ceremony, I hoped my words would help explain the underlying meaning of the gathering to her small group of invited guests:

“Like all experiences of significant transition, divorce has the power to transform the lives of those who go through it.  Though there is no denying that it’s painful and takes much inner work. This ceremony is part of that process.  And this is why such a ceremony is often not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over.  It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.  Donna has done this inner work – admirably I might add – and now it is time to bring what has been inward, outward, that others may witness it.

“In this ceremony, Donna will symbolically cross an emotional threshold. She will take her leave from one time of her life and embrace a new chapter of her life.  In doing so she will acknowledge the blessings of her marriage and very importantly the opportunities that lie ahead as the result of its conclusion.”

I’m proud of this ceremony… I put my heart and soul into its creation.  Donna is an extremely brave soul and it was incredibly important to me that I honour her commitment to being brutally honest with herself.  It takes a lot of GUTS to admit one’s role in events when things go sadly awry.

The ceremony turned out beautifully.  It flowed naturally through an emotional arc, from sorrow to acknowledgment to acceptance and finally to hope. And throughout, it rang with Donna’s own words collected from my interviews with her and the reflective process I designed to unlock her story.

In addition to the story telling component of this ceremony, here are some of the ritual elements I included:

• Donna was adorned with flower garlands made by a friend.
• She wore a fabulous new dress symbolic of new beginnings.
• We clipped the four corners of her Marriage Certificate, symbolically rendering it null and void.
• Donna read Pledges of Release to her ex-husband.
• Friends read poems and sang.

This was an emotionally charged ceremony that reached beyond Donna’s own healing. Friends were surprised to feel that they too were beginning to let go of their own sorrow and anger. As for Donna, she went home to her new partner with a fresh feeling in her heart.

After the ceremony Donna says she felt for the first time, “I think I can get married again!”

HEAR THE CEREMONY FOR YOURSELF!

You can hear CBC reporter Pamela Post’s interviews with Donna and myself on a mini-doc that aired this October on CBC Tapestry.  The program includes portions of the ceremony!  It’s a moving piece so as Donna says, “Get your hankies ready!”

CLICK HERE to listen