Part I: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Celebrating a Life: Planning a memorial.
We live in a society that is uncomfortable with death, grief, and mourning. And when it comes to memorials and other celebrations of life we don’t always know how to create them or what to do. Not surprising, after all most people have had little experience.But let me tell you this — people usually know what they DON’T WANT. The families I serve in ceremony at end of life DO NOT want maudlin displays of plastic mourning, and they DO NO WANT stale rites by rote.
They want real, truthful, honest memorials that capture the essence of the person they loved. And they long for the memorial to be done well so that it is a stepping stone that will help them grieve and mourn. Most people want me to tell them that what they are experiencing is normal. And it is. Every single time.
With a few exceptions the individuals and families I work with are not formally religious. They usually consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Which tells me, “we want something meaningful with no dogma.” They connect to what is personal, meaningful, and memorable. Because of the intensity of their grief, these lovely men and women nearly always find it difficult to articulate their innermost feelings without support and guidance.
Once I invite those feelings in, let them know I’m comfortable with whatever comes up, and begin asking them gentle but perceptive questions… boy oh boy the stories start tumbling out and feelings come along with them! This is why I especially love the family interviews. It’s so powerful to witness this collective remembering and unfolding of hearts. That is my path as a Celebrant… to help people express the inexpressible so it may be shared with others.
When is the right time to plan a Memorial?
Usually when someone we love passes away, we move quickly to hold a ceremony to honour that person. It feels important to do so. There is often a sense of urgency for many people. But I also work with families who wait several months (if the body has been cremated). They want to be able to plan and participate in a memorial ceremony when they are more present than in those early dark days of shock.
Families hold memorials at different times. In my practice, I tell people that we can create a ceremony whenever it suits them. Some have a more immediate public memorial, with a more intimate family gathering at a later date, perhaps to scatter or inter cremated remains. I also tell them that whatever and whenever, it can be however they need it to be. I threw the cookie cutters out a long time ago. In fact, I never used them… even in real life cooking!
Please join me next week for Part II of my 4-part series on “Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance.” In PART TWO: I’ll talk about the specifics such as When, Where, Who, Reception, Music, etc.
Michele Davidson, Professional Celebrant and Officiant
One of the reasons I love Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery
As you will know by now, I am a big fan of Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery. Progressive, inclusive, very community spirited — they even have an artist in resident Ms. Paula Jardine.
Someone I have got to know over the past year or so is Facility Manager Robin Naiman. She brings such a sense of calm and trust to her work. When you meet Robin to discuss holding a memorial or celebration of life at Mountain View, you know immediately that you are in good hands. Intrigued by this graceful woman who knows all things related to the Celebration Hall where I have performed a number of Vancouver funerals and memorials, I thought it might be fun to ask her to tell us more about herself and how/why she came to her work at Mountain View Cemetery. Here is what she said:
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“After working at the Vancouver Art Gallery for 18 years managing Facility Rentals I was seeking a new challenge. My work was valued at the Gallery as it assisted in supporting the arts, and it was important that my next role would enable me to continue to contribute to the community.
At Mountain View Cemetery’s annual “A Night for All Souls” event I met the manager Glen Hodges. Vancouver’s only cemetery is in the process of a major revitalization (it has effectively been closed since 1986) and at that time the new office, works yard and Celebration Hall buildings had just been completed. I was in awe of the new construction and impressed with Glen’s strong sense of helping families and the vision he presented for Mountain View.
It has been quite a learning curve leaving an art gallery and working at a cemetery, but in the time I have been here I have learned so much about the role a cemetery can play in an individual’s life and the importance of memorialisation. It is very rewarding to be able to help an individual at such an important time of their life, and the gratitude that they express is remarkable.
It is exciting to be part of the future of the cemetery.”
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If you are interested in holding a memorial, funeral, or celebration of life at Mountain View Cemetery, please contact Robin at the cemetery office. Her number there is 604.325.2646. And for more information you can click here to link to their webpage.
Warmly
Funeral Celebrant Michele Davidson
How I can help you create a beautiful memorial service
Your loved one has died.
If you are not part of a faith community, who do you turn to for assistance with creating a memorial or funeral service? Or as many people prefer today…a Celebration of Life.
As a Funeral Celebrant, this is where I can help you. I can work with you and your family in a variety of ways… all designed to help you have a meaningful experience, with as much or as little support as you need.
In the period immediately following a loved one’s death, you will be in a time of disconnect. Things will alternately seem real and unreal. And you will be busy! There is a LOT to do after a death. Most people find themselves overwhelmed.
Celebration of Life, Memorial or Funeral service?
Here’s how I can help:
- Write and perform the entire ceremony from start to finish, including the Eulogy. You don’t have to do anything but share memories with me. Many people find they are too bereft or too exhausted to craft a eulogy. And they aren’t comfortable with standing up and presenting it when they are so emotional.
- Write and perform everything BUT the eulogy. In these cases, I act as consultant for you… coaching you on how to write the eulogy. And you still have someone with experience to hold the ceremonial space and guide the ceremony. This can be very healing for those who are up for it!
- Coach and guide YOU to create the ceremony yourself and helping with editing. Here I work on an hourly basis with you. And the plus here is that I can assist you via the internet no matter where you are! Live in Borneo? No problem!
Ash Scattering Services… Burial Services… Death Anniversary Observances
Here’s how I can help:
- Create and guide the scattering of ashes. Most people want the return of the loved one’s cremated remains to the elements to be dignified and heartfelt. It’s not just a flinging! I have lots of ideas and experience that will help you ensure this final act is an act of remembrance thoughtfully done.
- Create and guide the burial service. In our culture, very few people have a lot of experience being at a graveside. It can be difficult for families to know what to do and and how to do it. This is a time in life where it can be very comforting to have someone you trust do the leading so you don’t have to. As with ash scattering, I have many ways to make you feel safe and included. To lay your loved one’s body to rest is poignant. Too important to be haphazard.
- Or I can simply be here to give you ideas.
- Death Anniversary Observances. These can be hard and bring up a lot of emotion. Over the years I have developed beautiful ways to remember… privately, and with family. I’d love to help.
Memorial services should be meaningful and illuminating. My purpose is to create an atmosphere of profound connection where family and friends share memories, laugh through their tears, and help each other find the courage to live in a world without their loved one.
I would love to create something unique and heartfelt with you.
Please call me for a complimentary consultation at 604-992-4217 or email me at michele@moderncelebrant.ca
Warmly,
Celebrant Michele Davidson
Why I work as a Funeral Celebrant
When people see me celebrating marriages and births so joyfully, they sometimes forget that I work on “the death stuff” too.
In fact, my primary motivator in becoming a Celebrant was to work with families in the raw times of their lives… by providing deeply meaningful memorial and funeral services and of course Celebrations of Life ceremonies.
I feel at ease around death. I’ve mourned and experienced firsthand many deaths. – friends, family, strangers – some of which were tragic deaths including suicide. Instead of numbing out, I chose to fully experience the complexity of grief, with all its swings of emotion. In many ways, death transformed the way I live my life. One of my guiding personal values is to “To move towards sorrow and not away from it.”
In 2006 I trained as a Palliative Care and Hospice volunteer. This has been a great gift in my life. To be with people at the moment of death, and to be of comfort to their families, is a tremendous privilege. I also learned a lot about living from some very forthright souls in the final days, weeks, and months as they prepared to die.
This mindful awareness is what I bring to the families I work with in my practice as a Funeral Celebrant. Helping people create a Celebration of Life, Memorial or Funeral Service, Ash-Scattering, or Committal Ceremony isn’t ‘just a job’ to me! Oh my gosh… so FAR from it!
I love to hear their stories. I see how the telling helps to make things real especially in the first week after a loved one’s death. That’s a weirdly unstable time… I suspect that our brains simply cannot compute that the person who was, is no longer.
My gift is to draw out the stories and the memories in a way that illuminates the deceased in the fullness of his or her being. And then to weave all the threads into a beautiful tapestry — the actual ceremonial experience.
Often people ask me to write the eulogy. I have to use all my senses when I am with the family so I can absorb the personality of their loved one. As you can well imagine, it’s hard to write a Memorial Eulogy for someone you’ve never met. And to have it be a ‘bang on’ portrait of the person. It’s an extraordinary experience for me!
Death is a chapter in the book of our remarkable human lives.
With heart,
Celebrant Michele
Helping a Vancouver family create a Celebration a Life
Recently I worked with the family of a woman who had lived in South Vancouver virtually her entire life. Known as Grandma, she died just shy of her 91st birthday. Her’s was a long life, a life well lived, and though deeply mourning the family wanted to create a special memorial. Like many of the families I have the immense privilege to work with as a Celebrant in my ceremonial practice, they wanted a heart based Celebration of Life but weren’t quite sure how to make it happen. Here’s what we did:
I interviewed the daughter to get a sense of Dorothy. Who she was, what she stood for, her life story, the people she loved, what she liked and disliked. Also to learn a little about what the family members were experiencing. This latter piece helped us figure out who wanted to and who might be able to speak at the memorial service.
The family wanted to write and speak the eulogy. They felt a deep longing to do this and felt it would be a meaningful way to work with their grief. I agreed and gave them tips on what some of the content might be. The grandchildren also wanted to go through family photos and create a video portrait of their beloved grandma, complete with music. (It was incredible!)
My role was to write everything else in the ceremony and also to give suggestions for format and readings. Though we had just a few days, everyone worked together and the end result was that every detail was truly resonate with Dorothy’s personality. Even the flowers chosen for the memorial service were the kind she liked to grow in her garden!
The day of, I arrived early to help the family set up and welcome their guests. When everyone was settled, I rose to speak. I try to speak my words in such a way that creates a container for the emotions present in the room. To create a safe place where family and friends can mourn but also to smile and laugh through their tears. All emotions at a memorial are natural… I don’t believe there is a ‘correct’ way to be. I talked of the mysterious cycle of life and death, of which Grandma was well aware… having been an avid gardener.
I also named grief and spoke to the responsibility of community to support a family whose loved one has died. Death leaves a void that can never be filled, but the support of others not just the day of the ceremony, but in the weeks and months ahead is so helpful to the healing process.
It was a wonderful magical experience because it was so REAL and HONEST. To be with a family at such an important time in their lives is an honour. We don’t have many collective experiences these days… a memorial ceremony, when well done, where the family is part of the creation, can be very powerful.
The beautiful camellias in the photo above were from the tree in Dorothy’s garden. I arrived home to find these, along with a card from the family on my doorstep. Included was a package of Dorothy’s famous thumbprint cookies, lovingly made by her daughter from what is now the family recipe. It will soon be mine too! I plan to make some this weekend.
With heart,
Celebrant Michele
Many thanks to Robin Naiman for her always mindful hosting of Mountain View Cemetery’s Celebration Hall and Courtyard. It is a beautiful space. The best in Vancouver, I think, for a memorial or funeral service. And certainly the most appropriate for a Celebration of Life!!!