Part II: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Next Steps: Planning the Memorial
Last week in Part I of this series, we looked what families yearn for in their memorial ceremonies. What they want and what they don’t want. This week, let us turn to the logistics of Planning a Memorial Ceremony. The Who, What, Where, How? Here are 8 things to keep in mind.
Things to keep in mind when planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life or other Ceremony of Remembrance.
1. Where? Find the right place. Think outside the box (no pun intended). The spaces at most Funeral Homes are pretty traditional. However there are cemeteries (in Vancouver Mountain View and First Memorial in North Vancouver) that have beautiful spaces designed to suit large and small gatherings. Hotels can offer conference rooms that can be set up with round tables. I’ve even done memorials in restaurants, as well as cocktail style in a formal lounge. What about at a vineyard or wine tasting space?
2. Who? Who should lead, write, or create the ceremony? Do you want a professional Funerl Celebrant to guide you? Or can Uncle Bob wing it perfectly fine? (Honestly, I do NOT recommend the latter. I’ve been to a few ‘Uncle Bob’ ceremonies and felt worse afterwards because there was no emotional flow, no cohesiveness, and a whole lot of depth got missed.) My recommendation is to google Funeral Celebrants in your area. These are people like yours truly, who are trained specifically (and usually feel called) to do this work. You can decide on the degree of their involvement, but it is a wise idea to seek professional support here. If you want to know more about me as a Funeral Celebrant, click here. Also, stay tuned to Part III of this series where I go into this in more detail.
3. Food and Drink. Would you like to serve food to your guests? What about coffee tea or even wine? I find that buffet style receptions just don’t seem to go well. There is usually a lot of food waste because most people aren’t quite in the mood to chow down. However, Hor d’oeuvre style receptions seem to flow really well, and they are easier too! Think about choosing little appetizers or small bites of larger meals that your loved one enjoyed, e.g. bite-sized mac n’cheese balls.
4. Seating. In the past month alone I performed two ceremonies where guests stood or were seated at bar height chairs around small round tables, much as one would for a cocktail party. The atmosphere was intimate and immediately said, ‘this is going to be extraordinary!’ On the other hand, many people choose rows of seats facing forward. This allows them to see the speakers but also to have some privacy to their emotions. My experience is that seating is wise if the mood is one of a deep grief. It’s hard to stand when you have little strength.
5. Amplification: A ceremony professional should speak in a voice that is trained for public speaking, is well modulated, and is well suited for projecting into large spaces. For gatherings of under 80 people, I rarely use a microphone. At a recent ceremony where there were over 300 mourners, many in overflow spaces and even listening to speakers in the parking lot, amplification was a MUST. As for family/friends invited to speak during the ceremony, my experience is that 99% of people cannot project beyond a couple of rows, if that. Even when they are used to public speaking, addressing a room full of people when one is grieving is extremely difficult. Please ensure they have amplification! Additionally, make sure you provide a microphone of the sort that picks up sound from several inches away. Avoid microphones that require the speaker to speak so close it is as though they are consuming it.That is awkward too.
6. Music. This is a wonderful element to introduce in a memorial ceremony. I love it when there is music playing to guide people in and get settled. It’s also lovely to play a favorite song or two during video or photo montages that run during the ceremony. Choose the music that accompanies video portraits carefully. I recommend two songs: one to begin that is slower and more melancholy. And the second to be one that uplifts. Otherwise it is hard to recover any lightness of being. Think about having music play during the reception… choose songs that the person loved to listen to. Avoid overtly sad music. The ceremony is done and guests will appreciate being able to mingle and share stories that are more uplifting. The tone of the music should both reflect and encourage this. Designate someone to make sure they know how to use the electronic system at your venue!!! Yikes… I can tell you a story or two about that!
7. Video. I always cry and laugh when I watch videos my clients put together of their loved ones. Such a slice of life. People in times of family celebrations like weddings, the births of children, but also doing the most ordinary of things. Often is the ordinary day to day things that we miss the most! See my recommendations on musical accompaniment in #6 above. Videos seem to give people permission to smile and laugh through their tears! Gets me every time, and I often have never met the person.
8. Things to showcase. Kids and teenagers enjoy putting together photo boards. I also encourage families to bring items of daily life that belonged to their loved one, e.g. gardening gloves, a favorite hat, a refereree whistle, watercolours and paintbrushes, craft objects e.g. stained glass and the like made by the deceased, aprons, recipe cards… that’s a good one for a cook by the way: copy recipe cards and make them available for people to take away. You can even make some of cookies a baker was known for.
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There are many more things to keep in mind when planning the logistics around a memorial ceremony. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let’s keep it simple, because with the right support — it can be!
Join me next week for Part III of Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance. I’ll be talking in more depth about the WHO. Finding the right person to create a ceremony that truly honours your loved one and also help you begin to embrace life without them in it.
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Part I: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Celebrating a Life: Planning a memorial.
We live in a society that is uncomfortable with death, grief, and mourning. And when it comes to memorials and other celebrations of life we don’t always know how to create them or what to do. Not surprising, after all most people have had little experience.But let me tell you this — people usually know what they DON’T WANT. The families I serve in ceremony at end of life DO NOT want maudlin displays of plastic mourning, and they DO NO WANT stale rites by rote.
They want real, truthful, honest memorials that capture the essence of the person they loved. And they long for the memorial to be done well so that it is a stepping stone that will help them grieve and mourn. Most people want me to tell them that what they are experiencing is normal. And it is. Every single time.
With a few exceptions the individuals and families I work with are not formally religious. They usually consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Which tells me, “we want something meaningful with no dogma.” They connect to what is personal, meaningful, and memorable. Because of the intensity of their grief, these lovely men and women nearly always find it difficult to articulate their innermost feelings without support and guidance.
Once I invite those feelings in, let them know I’m comfortable with whatever comes up, and begin asking them gentle but perceptive questions… boy oh boy the stories start tumbling out and feelings come along with them! This is why I especially love the family interviews. It’s so powerful to witness this collective remembering and unfolding of hearts. That is my path as a Celebrant… to help people express the inexpressible so it may be shared with others.
When is the right time to plan a Memorial?
Usually when someone we love passes away, we move quickly to hold a ceremony to honour that person. It feels important to do so. There is often a sense of urgency for many people. But I also work with families who wait several months (if the body has been cremated). They want to be able to plan and participate in a memorial ceremony when they are more present than in those early dark days of shock.
Families hold memorials at different times. In my practice, I tell people that we can create a ceremony whenever it suits them. Some have a more immediate public memorial, with a more intimate family gathering at a later date, perhaps to scatter or inter cremated remains. I also tell them that whatever and whenever, it can be however they need it to be. I threw the cookie cutters out a long time ago. In fact, I never used them… even in real life cooking!
Please join me next week for Part II of my 4-part series on “Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance.” In PART TWO: I’ll talk about the specifics such as When, Where, Who, Reception, Music, etc.
Michele Davidson, Professional Celebrant and Officiant
One of the reasons I love Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery
As you will know by now, I am a big fan of Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery. Progressive, inclusive, very community spirited — they even have an artist in resident Ms. Paula Jardine.
Someone I have got to know over the past year or so is Facility Manager Robin Naiman. She brings such a sense of calm and trust to her work. When you meet Robin to discuss holding a memorial or celebration of life at Mountain View, you know immediately that you are in good hands. Intrigued by this graceful woman who knows all things related to the Celebration Hall where I have performed a number of Vancouver funerals and memorials, I thought it might be fun to ask her to tell us more about herself and how/why she came to her work at Mountain View Cemetery. Here is what she said:
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“After working at the Vancouver Art Gallery for 18 years managing Facility Rentals I was seeking a new challenge. My work was valued at the Gallery as it assisted in supporting the arts, and it was important that my next role would enable me to continue to contribute to the community.
At Mountain View Cemetery’s annual “A Night for All Souls” event I met the manager Glen Hodges. Vancouver’s only cemetery is in the process of a major revitalization (it has effectively been closed since 1986) and at that time the new office, works yard and Celebration Hall buildings had just been completed. I was in awe of the new construction and impressed with Glen’s strong sense of helping families and the vision he presented for Mountain View.
It has been quite a learning curve leaving an art gallery and working at a cemetery, but in the time I have been here I have learned so much about the role a cemetery can play in an individual’s life and the importance of memorialisation. It is very rewarding to be able to help an individual at such an important time of their life, and the gratitude that they express is remarkable.
It is exciting to be part of the future of the cemetery.”
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If you are interested in holding a memorial, funeral, or celebration of life at Mountain View Cemetery, please contact Robin at the cemetery office. Her number there is 604.325.2646. And for more information you can click here to link to their webpage.
Warmly
Funeral Celebrant Michele Davidson
How I can help you create a beautiful memorial service
Your loved one has died.
If you are not part of a faith community, who do you turn to for assistance with creating a memorial or funeral service? Or as many people prefer today…a Celebration of Life.
As a Funeral Celebrant, this is where I can help you. I can work with you and your family in a variety of ways… all designed to help you have a meaningful experience, with as much or as little support as you need.
In the period immediately following a loved one’s death, you will be in a time of disconnect. Things will alternately seem real and unreal. And you will be busy! There is a LOT to do after a death. Most people find themselves overwhelmed.
Celebration of Life, Memorial or Funeral service?
Here’s how I can help:
- Write and perform the entire ceremony from start to finish, including the Eulogy. You don’t have to do anything but share memories with me. Many people find they are too bereft or too exhausted to craft a eulogy. And they aren’t comfortable with standing up and presenting it when they are so emotional.
- Write and perform everything BUT the eulogy. In these cases, I act as consultant for you… coaching you on how to write the eulogy. And you still have someone with experience to hold the ceremonial space and guide the ceremony. This can be very healing for those who are up for it!
- Coach and guide YOU to create the ceremony yourself and helping with editing. Here I work on an hourly basis with you. And the plus here is that I can assist you via the internet no matter where you are! Live in Borneo? No problem!
Ash Scattering Services… Burial Services… Death Anniversary Observances
Here’s how I can help:
- Create and guide the scattering of ashes. Most people want the return of the loved one’s cremated remains to the elements to be dignified and heartfelt. It’s not just a flinging! I have lots of ideas and experience that will help you ensure this final act is an act of remembrance thoughtfully done.
- Create and guide the burial service. In our culture, very few people have a lot of experience being at a graveside. It can be difficult for families to know what to do and and how to do it. This is a time in life where it can be very comforting to have someone you trust do the leading so you don’t have to. As with ash scattering, I have many ways to make you feel safe and included. To lay your loved one’s body to rest is poignant. Too important to be haphazard.
- Or I can simply be here to give you ideas.
- Death Anniversary Observances. These can be hard and bring up a lot of emotion. Over the years I have developed beautiful ways to remember… privately, and with family. I’d love to help.
Memorial services should be meaningful and illuminating. My purpose is to create an atmosphere of profound connection where family and friends share memories, laugh through their tears, and help each other find the courage to live in a world without their loved one.
I would love to create something unique and heartfelt with you.
Please call me for a complimentary consultation at 604-992-4217 or email me at michele@moderncelebrant.ca
Warmly,
Celebrant Michele Davidson
Why I work as a Funeral Celebrant
When people see me celebrating marriages and births so joyfully, they sometimes forget that I work on “the death stuff” too.
In fact, my primary motivator in becoming a Celebrant was to work with families in the raw times of their lives… by providing deeply meaningful memorial and funeral services and of course Celebrations of Life ceremonies.
I feel at ease around death. I’ve mourned and experienced firsthand many deaths. – friends, family, strangers – some of which were tragic deaths including suicide. Instead of numbing out, I chose to fully experience the complexity of grief, with all its swings of emotion. In many ways, death transformed the way I live my life. One of my guiding personal values is to “To move towards sorrow and not away from it.”
In 2006 I trained as a Palliative Care and Hospice volunteer. This has been a great gift in my life. To be with people at the moment of death, and to be of comfort to their families, is a tremendous privilege. I also learned a lot about living from some very forthright souls in the final days, weeks, and months as they prepared to die.
This mindful awareness is what I bring to the families I work with in my practice as a Funeral Celebrant. Helping people create a Celebration of Life, Memorial or Funeral Service, Ash-Scattering, or Committal Ceremony isn’t ‘just a job’ to me! Oh my gosh… so FAR from it!
I love to hear their stories. I see how the telling helps to make things real especially in the first week after a loved one’s death. That’s a weirdly unstable time… I suspect that our brains simply cannot compute that the person who was, is no longer.
My gift is to draw out the stories and the memories in a way that illuminates the deceased in the fullness of his or her being. And then to weave all the threads into a beautiful tapestry — the actual ceremonial experience.
Often people ask me to write the eulogy. I have to use all my senses when I am with the family so I can absorb the personality of their loved one. As you can well imagine, it’s hard to write a Memorial Eulogy for someone you’ve never met. And to have it be a ‘bang on’ portrait of the person. It’s an extraordinary experience for me!
Death is a chapter in the book of our remarkable human lives.
With heart,
Celebrant Michele