Divorce Hurts: A new way to heal
The ending in Divorce of a marriage that once began with such hope and promise can feel like a death. Isn’t it curious that our culture has a ceremony to begin a marriage, but nothing to observe its undoing? That we hold a memorial to mourn a loss through death, but have nothing to help us mourn the loss of our marriage.
And yet, as with all significant life experiences, divorce holds the potential to transform the lives of those who go through it. Though there is no denying that it’s a painful journey, one that takes courage and a personal commitment to healing.
There is a trend gathering steam that supports those living through divorce in a deeply meaningful way.
A Divorce Ceremony mindfully unbinds the emotional ties of a relationship in a way impersonal legal paperwork simply cannot possibly address. This unbinding of emotional ties supports individuals to embrace the future with hope and to step forward into a new chapter of their lives.
A Divorce Ceremony can be a transformational part of the healing process, helping to acknowledge the good parts of the marriage and not to reject it outright. It’s important to remember that an ended marriage does not mean that the entire relationship was a failure. In virtually every marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, lie lessons and blessings.
But do let me be very clear on two points.
- Divorce ceremonies are not to be confused with divorce parties, which are often about revenge and covering up resentment. Sure, throwing darts at a photograph of your ex while inebriated friends cheer you on may hold appeal for some, but such actions do nothing to address and heal deeper wounds.
- And, one must be well and truly ready. This is why a Divorce Ceremony is often not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over. It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.
I find my most powerful experiences leading Divorce Ceremonies have been with individuals two years after their divorce. It takes that long (or longer) to emerge from grief and truly be ready to embrace a new way of being.
Through the reflective work we do to develop the ceremony, the individual comes to inwardly acknowledge the blessings of the marriage and the opportunities that lie ahead as the result of its conclusion. During the ceremony, the honoree does something deeply symbolic to outwardly manifest this acceptance.
This can take the form of clipping the edges of a marriage certificate to symbolically render it null and then making pledges for ones future, reworking a ring, or gifting. When the union has brought children into the world, there are various ways to signify intention to interact respectfully with ones former spouse. Weaving together all these threads is good old-fashioned story telling. The telling of individual’s emotional journey in a way that is neither self-indulgent nor dismissive. Honest and real are the way to go.
Typically a small but close group of family and friends are invited to attend the intimate ceremony. Without exception it is my experience that guests (I like to think of them as participants) are surprised to find that the ceremony provides a safe place for them to process whatever feelings they themselves hold around this divorce.
By witnessing a ceremony that recognizes divorce with compassion and forthrightness, there is the chance to address the importance of acknowledging the deep communal impact of this life transition. Frequently, participants who themselves are divorced say it was helped them reframe their personal experience.
Interested in creating your own divorce ceremony? You can google professional Celebrants in your area. Celebrants are professionally trained ceremony specialists with a deep understanding of rites of passage such as divorce. She or he will work with you to create a personal ceremony for you, one that reflects your experiences and personality.
You may also want to pick up Marianne Williamson’s lovely book Illuminata: Thoughts, Prayer, Rites of Passage. In her chapter on divorce, Williamson wisely suggests prayers of forgiveness and release. I find inspiration in her suggestion: “I bless you and release you. Please forgive me; I forgive you. Go in peace. You will remain in my heart.”
With heart,
Celebrant Michele Davidson 604.992.4217
Living with your Ex: Can you heal under one roof?
I was recently asked by Suzanne Cramer to share my thoughts on the emotional aspects of living with your ex… due to financial pressures. Suzanne is a certified credit counselor who writes for the blogs: Our Divorce, Debt and Finances, and A Straight Talk on Debt. Follow Suzanne on Twitter with her @ADivorcedMom and @AskCareOne accounts.
Here is a snippet from yours truly…
Divorcing and Living with your Ex… Can you heal under one roof?
“When you are in the thick of ending the marriage (or living together immediately afterwards due to financial pressure) the reasons for your parting may seem very black and white…cut and dry. It can be easy to see your former spouse as the villain. It takes time to view the ending of your marriage truthfully and with conciliation, because it was such an emotionally invested relationship. Endings like this are far from easy. Living together through the process is a mine field. Your ability to do the inner personal work required to fully embrace your future will be hindered while you are living under the same roof. And yet, if you wait until you are no longer living together, you will suffer emotionally much longer. It’s important to begin healing NOW!”
Emotional Tips
* Get out of the house!
* Do not hold discussions of anger or blame with your former partner unless you are in the company of a therapist. Talk to trusted friends or a counselor instead.
* Create new rituals for yourself in the small daily activities of your life. Things that are just for you. Head out with your journal to a cool new coffee shop each week… change to a new brand of coffee… move furniture. Life is lived in the small things not the big.
* Write a list of ‘soul food’. Activities that renew your spirit.
* Commit to taking yourself on dates that cost max $10 or better yet, free! Though I don’t have children, I once went to a kid’s spelling bee. With a $1.50 cup of tea I spent a thrilling afternoon. Look in your local paper for ideas.
* Connect with friends on your own not with your spouse. They will help you chart the rough waters of this journey.
* Eat well. Challenge yourself to make your food from raw ingredients instead of buying prepared food.
Always remember that you are divinely multi-faceted. You know your own truth. Pay attention to your actions, words, thoughts and beliefs so that they align with your personal integrity. The pain and change of your divorce are the keys that will one day open the door to a more vibrant future. Be brave. Don’t wait for the day when you are not living together to begin. Do it now. Take responsibility for creating your new reality.