Top 10 Tips to Finding the Right Wedding Officiant for your Custom Wedding Ceremony

Ceremony and ritual offer rewarding opportunities for human connection, and have the potential to be as rich and varied as the people who participate in them. A thoughtful, well-presented ceremony should be reflective of your beliefs and values, experiences and aspirations. This is why it’s so important that you find a Wedding Officiant who you trust and connect with.

But finding the right person to guide your ceremony can be a daunting task — especially if you are not affiliated with a particular tradition or if yours is an interfaith or intercultural relationship. My advice? Treat your ceremony with the reverence it deserves – and find a Celebrant who does too.

The key to finding a Wedding Officiant who is a good match is to ask questions. To help you, I’ve put together:

My Top TEN Tips  (and FIVE things to secretly consider!)

ONE: How do you create the ceremony? Officiants who are skilled in the craft of writing meaningful and emotive copy are hard to come by. They also need to have superior interviewing and reflective skills to uncover your hidden stories. Ask them how they do that… what is their own creative process? Ask to read some ceremony samples. This can be very telling. Some will not share even small samples or you may find an Officiant has used the same or similar copy in a number of their ceremonies. If you want a custom wedding ceremony – this isn’t it!

TWO: What training do you have in creating and officiating at ceremonies? Many Officiants have no specific training in ceremony. Look for those who have a sound background in the history of ritual and ceremony, knowledge of ceremonial traditions around the world, the ability to manage and choreograph the ceremony itself, and experience in public ceremonial speaking. They should have a rich background in ceremony, from theory to writing to public speaking. Don’t feel embarrassed about asking for credentials, references, and testimonials.

THREE: What makes you different than other Wedding Officiants? What makes your wedding ceremonies and client experiences special and unique? What inspires you about being a wedding Officiant?

FOUR: Will you suggest and create wedding rituals and traditions, readings, and vows especially for us? Let’s say you are Chinese and your partner is Jewish… how will your Officiant blend these two richly ceremonial cultures through your wedding rituals? Or you are a musician and a dancer, how might that be reflected in the elements of the ceremony?

FIVE: Will we have final approval over the script? Don’t let a fill-in-the-name ceremony be imposed on you. The Officiant should collaborate with you every step of the way so that the ceremony is completely custom made for you. Ensure that you will be given the chance to proof several drafts of a ceremony so you know that it is right. Remember, if he or she asks you to choose between several options, it is not a custom ceremony.

SIX: What do people say about you as a public speaker? Great writing is lost when an Officiant has a stiff, monotone, or overly formal delivery. Memorable Officiants bring written words to life. Ask if he or she has trained with a vocal coach. Ask to see testimonials, or better yet ask for references. Find out what former guests and clients have to say about the Officiant’s performance. Were they warm yet dignified, engaging, able to breath life into traditional elements, and did they have presence? Did they hold the audience’s attention? Were they able to project without using a microphone?

SEVEN: What exactly is included? Some Officiants charge a base fee and then add on for meetings, interviews, travel, and rehearsals. Some provide you with a beautiful keepsake copy of your ceremony and some charge a fee to do so. Additional fees can add up quickly. Make sure you know what is and what is not included in the fee.

EIGHT: How many ceremonies do you do in a year? And more importantly, in a day? Many wedding officiants now say they ‘limit’ the number of ceremonies they perform. Ask them what that means. Their answer will reveal how custom their work is. Anyone who does a number of ceremonies in one day may well be doing customized, not custom work. There’s a big difference. (It takes many hours before even putting pen to paper to craft a truly custom ceremony. The number of ceremonies definitely reflects how custom the officiant’s work is.)

NINE: What is your legal authorization? Make sure they are legally registered to perform wedding ceremonies in your province or state, and will submit the paperwork for you.

TEN: How do you work with our other ceremonial professionals? The Officiant should coordinate as needed with musicians to provide music cues for the ceremony, with photographers and videographers to assist them in getting the best shots, and with the staff of your venue to ensure that the ceremony will not conflict in any way with their requirements.

FIVE Things to secretly Reflect upon when Meeting a Wedding Officiant:

ONE – Do you have the sense that the Officiant will work hard to get to know you and convey the essence of who you are? Do they seem to really care about their work and love doing it? Or do you get the hit that it’s more of a business to them?

TWO – Will you feel comfortable stating your preferences to the Officiant? Even those that may seem insignificant? How responsive do you think they will be to any edits or concerns you wish to put forward?

THREE - Do you like the sound of the Officiant’s voice? 

FOUR – Do you feel trust and emotional connection with the Officiant? Are they the right sort of person to engage and inspire you as well as your guests?

FIVE – Does the Officiant respect and understand your faith traditions (or absence of them)? Do they seem to genuinely be interested in approaching the ceremony from the perspective of your background and be able to draw in elements to suit it?

Modern Celebrant hopes this will inspire you

to find a good match for your match!

Real Weddings: Zoë and Tyler

Wow! Working with Zoë and Tyler was an incredible privilege.  They were totally into the reflective process that I mindfully guide couples through before I write their ceremony. Zoë and Tyler, like all the the couples I work with, BELIEVE in the transformative power of ceremony. They found the time spent reflecting on the deeper meaning of the life transition that is marriage to be immensely valuable.

Zoë and Tyler made a strong commitment to this process… in fact the strongest I’ve ever experienced with a couple.  They journalled and thought deeply about the questions I asked.  And thus they gave me FANTASTIC material to weave the storytelling tapestry of their wedding ceremony from.

Far too many wedding ceremonies these days feel like some sort of hoop to jump through. Zoë and Tyler couldn’t imagine having a ceremony like that. This couple wanted their wedding ceremony to sing with their intentions and their feelings. They wanted it to be an authentic reflection of their innermost selves.

When a ceremony is alive with this much meaning, it is a transformational and very collective experience. We don’t have many of those anymore, do we?

The ceremony was held at the Rose Garden in New Westminister on the one brilliantly sunny day in a week of rain.  My powers as a keeper-away of rain seem to be developing well!  The couple’s guests sat in a semicircle facing them, so they could see every smile and tear on Zoë and Tyler’s faces.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the ring warming and the Handfasting ritual… fielded lots of enthusiastic comments and questions afterwards. People loved hearing all the things that Zoë and Tyler respect and admire about each other… and about the things that they do to bring laughter and kindness into their days.

Family is VIP to both, and I loved that they held Japanese prayer beads belonging to Zoe’s parents, who had them at their own wedding.  Here is a photo.  All the photos here were taken by the lovely Jenny of Jenny Photography.  She really cares!

Real Weddings: Michelle and Dave

Michelle and Dave’s wedding ceremony and celebration was truly a reflection of THEM… in every detail.  I truly admire this couple for the mindful spirit they brought to literally everything about the day, and their planning for it. The transformative energy of their first steps into their marriage was palpable to everyone present.  And don’t you just love the lighting and tonal quality of these photographs by the brilliant Rafael Ferri of Match Studio!

Michelle and Dave wanted to be married on the first day of Spring… a day of new beginnings and fresh starts.  How wonderful to come together as a community to honour the sacred human ritual of marriage making, on a day also rich with universal symbolism.

We did the ceremony outside in a local park, near the water in beautiful Port Moody.  Life in all its glorious forms was evident all around our merry gathering of 20 or so nearest and dearest.  The cherry blossoms were just out, kids were wheeling nearby on their scooters, and families were enjoying the incredible day.  I loved the swirl of energy all around us.

Speaking of cherry blossoms… Dave is a talented painter and he hand painted the wedding invitations.  I have mine on my desk, beside me as I write this. It is soon to be framed!  It’s a vignette of cherry trees in blossom with a couple seated on a bench under the canopy of blossoms.  We can’t see their faces, but we know it is Michelle and Dave… seated on ‘their’ bench in the park where they chose to be married.  This is the kind of intention and thought that Michelle and Dave brought to everything about their wedding day.

The couple are avid members of the mountain biking community, indeed they met on a ride, and so I had a lot of fun weaving the story of their meeting for their guests during the ceremony.  Also the tale of how they knew they were a perfect match very soon after they met.

Though it was a sunny but nippy day, everyone enjoyed themselves immensely and folks were fascinated with the Handfasting I performed.  Such a tangible joining ritual, and one that is centuries old though rarely seen today.  We romped on the boardwalk for photos in the growing twilight afterwards and then Michelle and Dave treated everyone to a lovely dinner at the restaurant where they had their first dinner together.  Love it love it love it!

Here are some more of Rafael’s snaps… is it my imagination or are the colours remarkably fine? 

And I can’t resist sharing a note from Michelle that followed in the days after the ceremony.

“Michele…. Dave and I can’t thank you enough for making our wedding day a remarkable one. We both are so honoured to have had you there. You are a special gift to all who come in contact with you. Some friends who weren’t even there, just read the ceremony and were brought to tears by your beautiful words. Those who were there felt what Dave and I felt in the air. There aren’t enough Thank Yous to express our feelings. You will be a part of our lives always.

Love, Michelle and Dave”    BACK AT YA!

Putting the Ceremony back into the Wedding

As a Celebrant who prides myself on performing deeply meaningful wedding ceremonies, it’s a little embarrassing to confess that I watch cheesy wedding reality TV. You see I’m an eternal optimist. And because of my profession as a wedding celebrant (officiant), I keep hoping that one of these TV couples will devote as much energy to their wedding ceremony as they do their chocolate dessert fountain!

For that is truly the worst part of these shows for me… how little importance is attached to the ceremony that actually begins the couple’s marriage. All too often on TV, it’s just about the bling.

Fortunately in my practice, real life couples are much more sane! I see a strong trend of couples seeking Fresh, Unique, and Memorable, when it comes to their wedding ceremony.

These smart couples are doing what I refer to as, “Putting the Ceremony back into the Wedding”, They are turning towards meaningful wedding experiences that reflect their personalities and values… And rejecting flashy events where it’s all about the show.

Today’s most progressive weddings are the essence of elegant-simplicity, where the ceremony sets the tone for the couple’s entire day, as well as their wedding memories. Far from being a hoop to jump through, these couples want the ceremony that begins their marriage to be deeply resonate of ‘them’.

I’m so glad to see this. These occasions are incredibly powerful and important. A wedding ceremony written exclusively for and about a couple feels so true, so honest. Guests should be on the edge of their seat as they listen to the story of the couple; they feel they are part of the experience and not merely observing.

A well-written wedding ceremony should be like a tapestry, woven from the hopes and dreams, stories and tales, which the couple shares with their officiant in the collaboration stage. The best wedding ceremonies are always collaborations. Never let an officiant impose a ceremony upon you!

Since a deeply meaningful wedding ceremony is so dependent upon working with the right officiant, it’s so important to find the right person. You should look for someone who is a ceremonial writer, a warm and emotive speaker, a guide, and who you can trust implicitly.

Many officiants have no specific training in ceremony. Look for those who have a sound background in the relevance of ritual and ceremony, knowledge of a wide variety of ceremonial traditions, ability to design and manage the ceremony itself, and a wealth of experience. She or he should be able to truly ‘get you’. Never feel embarrassed about asking for credentials, references, samples, and testimonials. A respectable officiant will never be offended or refuse these.

In closing, let me tell you from personal experience that it’s all too easy to get caught up in the details of planning a wedding. My advice is to treat your ceremony with reverence and find an officiant who will too. Put your ceremony into your wedding day and don’t settle for a boring cookie cutter ceremony written for someone else!

Real Weddings: Custom Wedding Ceremony for a Chinese Jewish Couple

Here in Vancouver BC, multifaith and multicultural weddings are very common, thanks to our extremely diverse community.  It’s wonderful!  Especially for me when I’m wearing my Wedding Officiant ‘hat’.

I love delving into cultural traditions when I create my wedding ceremonies. Wedding ceremonies that are resonate with meaning for both the Bride and the Groom — as well as their respective families and friends.

The wedding this year of Allison and Alon was especially meaningful to me for precisely this reason. Allison is Chinese Canadian and Alon is Jewish.

After some time reflecting and researching, I gave the couple an array of suggestions for how we could create a custom wedding ceremony that would serve on a number of levels. Most importantly of course to set them on the path of marriage in a way that spoke to their hearts.  But also to connect their families and friends.

There are in fact a striking number of similarities between their two cultures. We chose to highlight these. I told a Jewish folktale and a Chinese one… both of which reinforced the belief that two people are born destined to be together and that once joined nothing can break their bond. Guests loved it.

And everyone was moved by the reading of the Seven Blessings by Allison and Alon’s mothers. The Seven Blessings is a Jewish tradition, usually spoken by a Rabbi or even the guests. In this case both heritages strongly emphasize family so I created a multifaith version for the Mothers of the Bride and Groom to read. Definitely not traditional in the languaging, but certainly in intent.

The couple was extremely moved and as their mothers read, I felt the power of ceremony come over us all.  I think of these as ‘portal moments’ when we all step through the thin place between the mundane and the sacred.

Before the wedding ceremony, guests had gathered like-with-like… but afterward I loved seeing everyone happily mingling and exclaiming over their shared values and stories. Such a positive day! One that I’ll remember for years to come.

With gratitude that meaning is alive and well in our modern world.

Celebrant Michele