Part IV: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Ash Scattering & Burial Services
In addition to Celebrations of Life and other larger more public ceremonies, Funeral Celebrants also perform more intimate services for the Scattering of Ashes and Graveside Ceremonies of Committal.
When families engage me to create custom Memorials, Celebrations of Life, and other Ceremonies of Remembrance very often they also ask me to guide them at the Graveside or at the Scattering of Ashes. Again, this is something that most families feel is very important, but they haven’t a clue how to make it so. I find this work inspiring.
Here is what a woman said recently about the internment of ashes ceremony I created for her husband.
“You guided us with caring through his internment. The touches of earth from home and the flower petals added such poignancy to the moment. When I think of his laying to rest, I feel a sense of peace that it happened the way it did, and I know that I owe much to you.”
Here are some of the ways I can support you and your family:
Create and guide a ceremony for the Scattering of Ashes. Most people want the return of their loved one’s cremated remains to the elements to be dignified and heartfelt. It’s not just a flinging! I have lots of ideas and experience that will help you ensure this final act is an act of remembrance thoughtfully done. In a way that grounds you and provides comfort whenever you think about it.
Create and guide a Burial Service. In our culture, very few people have a lot of experience being at a graveside. It can be difficult for families to know what to do and and how to do it. This is a time in life where it can be very comforting to have someone you trust do the leading so you don’t have to. As with ash scattering, I have many ways to make you feel safe and included. To lay your loved one’s body to rest is poignant. This is far too important to be haphazard.
Death Anniversary Observances. These can be hard and bring up a lot of emotion. Over the years I have developed beautiful ways to remember… privately, and with family. I’d love to help.
Please feel free to call me to request a complimentary consultation. My direct phone number is 604-992-4217. Or you can email me at michele@moderncelebrant.ca
Thanks for reading this series. I hope it was helpful and inspired you to know that there is a way to make memorials extraordinary!!!
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Part III: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
WHO can help you lead a Celebration of Life
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I am a professional Celebrant who serves our community in times of joy and in times of sorrow. Like many others who support individuals, families, and communities in times of sorrow, I am called to do this work.
I was a hospice and palliative care volunteer for many years. The experiences I had helped me to be fully present with grieving clients. It fulfills me when people know they can say anything and won’t be judged, and when they feel free to be however they are at that moment without pretending anything. These are traits that you usually will get a sense of quite readily when you speak to potential Funeral Celebrants.
Go with your gut sense of who will hold your confidences in the highest regard.
But also investigate to ensure the Funeral Celebrant has a well-developed ceremonial practice. Otherwise you might get another version of the ‘Uncle Bob’ style of ceremony I described in Part II. The Celebrant should have experience helping families of diverse backgrounds and incomes plan ceremonies to mourn and grieve their loved ones.
Okay, so why do I keep talking about a Funeral Celebrant? This series is primarily addressed to those who are not part of a faith community, or who are trying to plan a memorial for someone who was not affiliated. Funeral Celebrants serve what is now the majority: the Spiritual but not Religious… or those who are neither. Think about it? Who do they turn to for assistance with creating a memorial, funeral, or celebration of life service?
Here are the ways I collaborate with my clients. I’m sure that if you take these ideas to another Celebrant, she or he will be able to serve you in similar ways.
Write and perform the entire ceremony from start to finish, including the Eulogy. I call the Eulogy the ‘Soul Sketch’. When I write all parts of the ceremony, including the soul sketch, you don’t have to do anything but share your memories with me and edit the ceremony to your liking. Many people find they are too bereft or too exhausted to craft a eulogy, let alone get up and speak it. For me, it is challenging to craft a real and vibrant soul sketch for someone I’ve never met. But I LOVE doing it. I get to use all my senses when you tell me your stories. I craft the entire ceremony around the soul sketch. It can include such things as: welcoming guests, words on death and grief and what it means to truly mourn, suggestions for a reading or two, the story of your loved one’s life, guest sharing, video montage, caring for the family, and a lovely closing. The thing you should know about GOOD Celebrants, is that they do not use templated or pre-scripted ceremonies. They will create a ceremony especially for you. There is no rule around what must and must not be included.
Write and perform everything BUT the eulogy. In these cases, I write the entire ceremony except the Eulogy. I’m sure other Celebrants are similar to me in that they would be very willing to coach you on how to write the Soul Sketch yourself, and support you with editing. In these cases, I write the rest of the ceremony, hold the ceremonial space, and guide the memorial. This can be very healing for those who want to have some degree of participation. Or you can have the eulogy spoken by two or three people. In this case, I can help each of you figure out the theme of your words so that you don’t overlap.
Coach and guide YOU to create the ceremony yourself. It sometimes happens that there is a vibrant and creative community of people who wish to create the remembrance experience. In these cases, I serve as the person who helps with logistics and says, ‘Here’s what to watch out for,’ or ‘Sounds great, let’s just check that 2 + 2 =4′. I can also provide guidance on the writing, the flow of the ceremony etc. I’m not sure all Celebrants would be willing to do this, but I suspect many would.
. . .
Memorial services should be meaningful and illuminating. A classy, educated Funeral Celebrant’s guiding purpose is to create an atmosphere of profound connection where family and friends share memories, laugh through their tears, and help each other find the courage to live in a world without their loved one.
Please join me next week for Part IV: Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance. I will talk about how to plan a Ceremony for the Scattering of Ashes, or a Graveside /Burial Ceremony. Important stuff that we rarely speak of. Now is the time.
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Please call me for a complimentary consultation at 604-992-4217 or email me at michele@moderncelebrant.ca
Part II: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Next Steps: Planning the Memorial
Last week in Part I of this series, we looked what families yearn for in their memorial ceremonies. What they want and what they don’t want. This week, let us turn to the logistics of Planning a Memorial Ceremony. The Who, What, Where, How? Here are 8 things to keep in mind.
Things to keep in mind when planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life or other Ceremony of Remembrance.
1. Where? Find the right place. Think outside the box (no pun intended). The spaces at most Funeral Homes are pretty traditional. However there are cemeteries (in Vancouver Mountain View and First Memorial in North Vancouver) that have beautiful spaces designed to suit large and small gatherings. Hotels can offer conference rooms that can be set up with round tables. I’ve even done memorials in restaurants, as well as cocktail style in a formal lounge. What about at a vineyard or wine tasting space?
2. Who? Who should lead, write, or create the ceremony? Do you want a professional Funerl Celebrant to guide you? Or can Uncle Bob wing it perfectly fine? (Honestly, I do NOT recommend the latter. I’ve been to a few ‘Uncle Bob’ ceremonies and felt worse afterwards because there was no emotional flow, no cohesiveness, and a whole lot of depth got missed.) My recommendation is to google Funeral Celebrants in your area. These are people like yours truly, who are trained specifically (and usually feel called) to do this work. You can decide on the degree of their involvement, but it is a wise idea to seek professional support here. If you want to know more about me as a Funeral Celebrant, click here. Also, stay tuned to Part III of this series where I go into this in more detail.
3. Food and Drink. Would you like to serve food to your guests? What about coffee tea or even wine? I find that buffet style receptions just don’t seem to go well. There is usually a lot of food waste because most people aren’t quite in the mood to chow down. However, Hor d’oeuvre style receptions seem to flow really well, and they are easier too! Think about choosing little appetizers or small bites of larger meals that your loved one enjoyed, e.g. bite-sized mac n’cheese balls.
4. Seating. In the past month alone I performed two ceremonies where guests stood or were seated at bar height chairs around small round tables, much as one would for a cocktail party. The atmosphere was intimate and immediately said, ‘this is going to be extraordinary!’ On the other hand, many people choose rows of seats facing forward. This allows them to see the speakers but also to have some privacy to their emotions. My experience is that seating is wise if the mood is one of a deep grief. It’s hard to stand when you have little strength.
5. Amplification: A ceremony professional should speak in a voice that is trained for public speaking, is well modulated, and is well suited for projecting into large spaces. For gatherings of under 80 people, I rarely use a microphone. At a recent ceremony where there were over 300 mourners, many in overflow spaces and even listening to speakers in the parking lot, amplification was a MUST. As for family/friends invited to speak during the ceremony, my experience is that 99% of people cannot project beyond a couple of rows, if that. Even when they are used to public speaking, addressing a room full of people when one is grieving is extremely difficult. Please ensure they have amplification! Additionally, make sure you provide a microphone of the sort that picks up sound from several inches away. Avoid microphones that require the speaker to speak so close it is as though they are consuming it.That is awkward too.
6. Music. This is a wonderful element to introduce in a memorial ceremony. I love it when there is music playing to guide people in and get settled. It’s also lovely to play a favorite song or two during video or photo montages that run during the ceremony. Choose the music that accompanies video portraits carefully. I recommend two songs: one to begin that is slower and more melancholy. And the second to be one that uplifts. Otherwise it is hard to recover any lightness of being. Think about having music play during the reception… choose songs that the person loved to listen to. Avoid overtly sad music. The ceremony is done and guests will appreciate being able to mingle and share stories that are more uplifting. The tone of the music should both reflect and encourage this. Designate someone to make sure they know how to use the electronic system at your venue!!! Yikes… I can tell you a story or two about that!
7. Video. I always cry and laugh when I watch videos my clients put together of their loved ones. Such a slice of life. People in times of family celebrations like weddings, the births of children, but also doing the most ordinary of things. Often is the ordinary day to day things that we miss the most! See my recommendations on musical accompaniment in #6 above. Videos seem to give people permission to smile and laugh through their tears! Gets me every time, and I often have never met the person.
8. Things to showcase. Kids and teenagers enjoy putting together photo boards. I also encourage families to bring items of daily life that belonged to their loved one, e.g. gardening gloves, a favorite hat, a refereree whistle, watercolours and paintbrushes, craft objects e.g. stained glass and the like made by the deceased, aprons, recipe cards… that’s a good one for a cook by the way: copy recipe cards and make them available for people to take away. You can even make some of cookies a baker was known for.
…
There are many more things to keep in mind when planning the logistics around a memorial ceremony. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let’s keep it simple, because with the right support — it can be!
Join me next week for Part III of Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance. I’ll be talking in more depth about the WHO. Finding the right person to create a ceremony that truly honours your loved one and also help you begin to embrace life without them in it.
Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning
Part I: Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance
Celebrating a Life: Planning a memorial.
We live in a society that is uncomfortable with death, grief, and mourning. And when it comes to memorials and other celebrations of life we don’t always know how to create them or what to do. Not surprising, after all most people have had little experience.But let me tell you this — people usually know what they DON’T WANT. The families I serve in ceremony at end of life DO NOT want maudlin displays of plastic mourning, and they DO NO WANT stale rites by rote.
They want real, truthful, honest memorials that capture the essence of the person they loved. And they long for the memorial to be done well so that it is a stepping stone that will help them grieve and mourn. Most people want me to tell them that what they are experiencing is normal. And it is. Every single time.
With a few exceptions the individuals and families I work with are not formally religious. They usually consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Which tells me, “we want something meaningful with no dogma.” They connect to what is personal, meaningful, and memorable. Because of the intensity of their grief, these lovely men and women nearly always find it difficult to articulate their innermost feelings without support and guidance.
Once I invite those feelings in, let them know I’m comfortable with whatever comes up, and begin asking them gentle but perceptive questions… boy oh boy the stories start tumbling out and feelings come along with them! This is why I especially love the family interviews. It’s so powerful to witness this collective remembering and unfolding of hearts. That is my path as a Celebrant… to help people express the inexpressible so it may be shared with others.
When is the right time to plan a Memorial?
Usually when someone we love passes away, we move quickly to hold a ceremony to honour that person. It feels important to do so. There is often a sense of urgency for many people. But I also work with families who wait several months (if the body has been cremated). They want to be able to plan and participate in a memorial ceremony when they are more present than in those early dark days of shock.
Families hold memorials at different times. In my practice, I tell people that we can create a ceremony whenever it suits them. Some have a more immediate public memorial, with a more intimate family gathering at a later date, perhaps to scatter or inter cremated remains. I also tell them that whatever and whenever, it can be however they need it to be. I threw the cookie cutters out a long time ago. In fact, I never used them… even in real life cooking!
Please join me next week for Part II of my 4-part series on “Tips for Planning a Memorial, Celebration of Life, or other Ceremony of Remembrance.” In PART TWO: I’ll talk about the specifics such as When, Where, Who, Reception, Music, etc.
Michele Davidson, Professional Celebrant and Officiant
One of the reasons I love Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery
As you will know by now, I am a big fan of Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery. Progressive, inclusive, very community spirited — they even have an artist in resident Ms. Paula Jardine.
Someone I have got to know over the past year or so is Facility Manager Robin Naiman. She brings such a sense of calm and trust to her work. When you meet Robin to discuss holding a memorial or celebration of life at Mountain View, you know immediately that you are in good hands. Intrigued by this graceful woman who knows all things related to the Celebration Hall where I have performed a number of Vancouver funerals and memorials, I thought it might be fun to ask her to tell us more about herself and how/why she came to her work at Mountain View Cemetery. Here is what she said:
…
“After working at the Vancouver Art Gallery for 18 years managing Facility Rentals I was seeking a new challenge. My work was valued at the Gallery as it assisted in supporting the arts, and it was important that my next role would enable me to continue to contribute to the community.
At Mountain View Cemetery’s annual “A Night for All Souls” event I met the manager Glen Hodges. Vancouver’s only cemetery is in the process of a major revitalization (it has effectively been closed since 1986) and at that time the new office, works yard and Celebration Hall buildings had just been completed. I was in awe of the new construction and impressed with Glen’s strong sense of helping families and the vision he presented for Mountain View.
It has been quite a learning curve leaving an art gallery and working at a cemetery, but in the time I have been here I have learned so much about the role a cemetery can play in an individual’s life and the importance of memorialisation. It is very rewarding to be able to help an individual at such an important time of their life, and the gratitude that they express is remarkable.
It is exciting to be part of the future of the cemetery.”
…
If you are interested in holding a memorial, funeral, or celebration of life at Mountain View Cemetery, please contact Robin at the cemetery office. Her number there is 604.325.2646. And for more information you can click here to link to their webpage.
Warmly
Funeral Celebrant Michele Davidson