“First and most important: Meet the dying person where she is. She may be in denial, and denial is a fabulous crutch. You don’t pull a crutch out from under somebody. Try to validate the feelings behind the denial.

So imagine your aunt says, “Let’s reserve a house at the lake this summer. I loved the weeks we used to spend there.” You don’t rush out to make a reservation; you reminisce with her about those good times. She’s living in memories much kinder than her reality. But let’s say she tells you, “You know, I’m not going to live much longer.” The door’s open. Be honest, direct. Tell her you hate that this is happening. Tell her it mattered that she was here. Tell her how she enriched your life, that she won’t be forgotten. This is no time to pussyfoot. For God’s sake, don’t tell her she looks great, or that she’ll pull through. Pretending creates a chasm of loneliness for the dying. Can you imagine if you were in labor, and no one in the room would acknowledge that you were giving birth?

Toward the end, dying people tend to withdraw. You know how when you drop a pebble in a pond, the rings ripple out? For a dying person, the rings go in. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in politics or sports or the next room. Eventually all that matters is I’m hot. I’m cold. I love you. Do you love me? At that point, all that’s required is your presence. Be quiet. Put your hands on hers. That’s it.”

—Maggie Callanan, hospice nurse since 1981 and co-author of the celebrated book Final Gifts

Master Celebrant Michele Davidson is Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant. She works with individuals, couples, and families to create transformational and totally custom ceremonies. Michele helps people expand their vision of their ceremony. Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler ceremonies. She also travels internationally for to perform her deeply intentional ceremonies for remarkable people.

Yeah, I get Dan some of his fave Lindt chocolates. How could I not? But we like to spend time on Feb 14th to talk about how we’re doing in our quest to towards cultivating deeper meaning and emotional intimacy. We have lots of rituals in our couple life… from the hilariously mundane to those that are much more spiritual. Here are some areas that you can explore for your own love relationship:

1. Couple time – What activities do you enjoy doing together? Sex, cooking/eating, sports, film etc.
2. Daily routines and tasks – How do the two of you like to get up in the morning, come home, go to bed? These are your daily rituals.
3. Communication rituals – Do you have satisfying means of sharing your feelings and experiences, supporting each other, and working through inevitable anger and frustration?
4. Symbolic rituals – Big range here, from the nicknames you have for each other to the ways you enjoy marking birthdays and holidays.
5. Intimacy rituals– What are the ways you connect emotionally and physically?
6. Spiritual connection – Do you find being in nature together spiritual? Attend faith-based events? How do you connect with one another’s spiritual self?

This Valentines Day, by all means get sappy! But also think about making it a day to build an even deeper and more meaningful relationship. This works if you are a fledgling couple, an engaged couple, or old married farts. (hehe I can say that!)  Make time to be together and share what is important to YOU. Doesn’t matter what society tells you should be important, or what your friends etc say. It’s about what works for the two of you. Here’s an example:

For a long time, Dan and I felt a tinge of shame that we like to sit on the couch and eat our dinner. And that we eat different things! Cultural norm is that the ‘right’ thing is to eat a shared meal at the table. But you know what? That just doesn’t work for us most nights. We cook together once or twice a week, sometimes sitting at the table. But our bodies crave and need different kinds of food. So we do it our way now, and have made our own ritual out of the evening meal(s).

You will create your own meaningful rituals by sharing with each other what is important to you. Make time to sit down with your partner to explore what rituals you currently enjoy and share in your relationship and what new rituals you can create together. Listen to each other’s needs and weave those needs into the ritual to make it fulfilling. Being specific helps:

•  How do you envision the ritual?
• How will you actually do it?
• When will you do it?

Valentine’s Day is just one day in a year. But you can use it as a catalyst to cultivate a meaningful connection all year long by practicing your very own couple rituals on a regular basis. Reading the paper on Saturday mornings together… making morning coffee for your partner… 10-second welcome home kisses… date nights… it’s the little things that help us develop closeness and create shared meaning. Make Valentine’s Day a year-long event!

Vancouver and Whistler’s most Modern Celebrant, Michele Davidson works with newly engaged couples to create transformational and totally custom wedding ceremony experiences. She helps couples expand their vision of their ceremony AND their engagement. It’s a one-in-a-lifetime folks… make it sing!!! Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler wedding ceremonies.  She also travels internationally for ceremonies! Bali anyone?

Lisa and Brent were awesome to collaborate wtih and simply to be with. Those two have fabulous energy.  It ws a highlight of my year to have them share their hearts with me so I could craft a totally custom wedding ceremony that was both beautiful and quirky!

To give you a written portrait of this wonderful couple… This is how they described themselves… (Lisa) – a fun and high-energy woman who’s sometimes blunt, sometimes forgetful, sometimes opinionated but always loyal. (Brent) – a fun-loving guy who has always loved to push the rules…and occasionally, people’s buttons. He’s as comfortable in a suit as he is in a tool-belt.

Totally admired Lisa and Brent’s ability to be themselves… before, during, and after their ceremony! Their custom wedding ceremony was a celebration of the love that exists between them. It was also their chance to honour the love they hold for their amazing and extraordinarily tightly-knit community of friends and family. They simply couldn’t imagine getting married without the people they love present. “Our family and friends are what we cherish most in life. So while “eloping” had a nice ring to it, being married in front of the people we love and respect will give our vows the significance they deserve.”

In the beautiful ballroom of the Rosewood Hotel Georgia, before the people they cherish most in life, I shared their own lovely words with each other. “Brent, with you I finally feel like I belong and that I’m home; something I didn’t know I was even looking for until I found you. +  Lisa, I love you and I officially decree a life long commitment to taking out the garbage, checking your car’s fluid levels, keeping your tires at their optimal pressure, unclogging drains, and bringing in all the firewood necessary to keep you warm.”

What a gift to get this note from Brent after the ceremony:

“Michele, You rocked that ceremony big time!!! Lisa and I couldn’t have asked for more and are over the moon with joy.”

Hats off to the fab wedding vendor team:

• Rosewood Hotel Georgia Weddings,
• Alicia Keats Weddings,
• Leanne Pedersen Photography,
• Upright Decor,
• Musical Occasions 
• DJLeanne

Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant Michele Davidson works with newly engaged couples to create transformational and totally custom wedding ceremonies. She helps couples expand their vision of their ceremony AND their engagement. It’s a one-in-a-lifetime folks… make it sing!!! Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler wedding ceremonies.  She also travels internationally for weddings! Bali anyone?

Sarah and Geoff’s custom wedding ceremony was held at the Rosewood Hotel Georgia, which is definitely one of the most elegant Vancouver wedding venues. Simply put, it is a stunning setting for a wedding, both ceremony and reception.

This couple’s wedding ceremony was their chance to show everyone how much they mean to one another… to share with family and friends the sacredness of their emotional bond. Sarah and Geoff are private people, but they thought that if there was ever a time to share their hearts… it was on their wedding day and especially in their wedding ceremony.

Sarah has a deep connection to First Nation traditions, and she has a heartfelt connection with a First Nation Elder who was invited to be co-Wedding Celebrant with me. I had suggested to the couple that we do a Directional and Elemental Blessing as part of their custom wedding ceremony. They loved the idea.

To begin, Sarah and Geoffrey cleansed their hands in water scented with fresh cedar. I used a sacred ceremonial abalone shell to scoop the water over their hands. The First Nations elder led the directional turns, while I sought the blessing. Everyone in the Rosewood Hotel Georgia’s stunning ballroom rose and joined Sarah and Geoff in turning to the four directions. Truly, it was an amazing sight to see.

I’m pretty sure it was the first Directional Blessing held in that grand hotel!

For this wedding I had the chance to work with such a fine team of professionals.

People who care deeply about the couple and their respective craftsmanship. The always sunny-hearted and uber-calm Alicia Keats from Alicia Keats Wedding, one of the finest Vancouver Wedding Planners… Talented and intuitive photographer Melia Sorenson from Lucida Photography… the phenomenally stylish and incredibly nice team from Upright Décor... stunning floral from Balconi Floral Design Studio... and the most perfect music from DJ Lance and (live) Musical Occasions.

Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant Michele Davidson works with newly engaged couples to create transformational and totally custom wedding ceremonies. She helps couples expand their vision of their ceremony AND their engagement. It’s a one-in-a-lifetime folks… make it sing!!! Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler wedding ceremonies. She also travels internationally for weddings! Bali anyone? 

Nicole and Alan, and their sweet daughter Sophie, were one of my most adventurous and nature-connected couples. Avid outdoors people, I simply could not imagine them getting married in any other Whistler wedding venue. The Edgewater Lodge has a stunning lakeside setting, perfect for a summer wedding.

I was so thrilled to serve as Nicole and Alan’s Wedding Celebrant and to vision a custom wedding ceremony for them that totally reflected their true selves and that involved their community as well as their daughter Sophie. Creating custom wedding ceremonies that honour the children in a couple’s life is very important to me.

In their five years together, Alan and Nicole have nurtured great depth and connection between them. There is a wonderful sense of ease to the relationship they describe as being, “spontaneous, playful, fun, active, understanding and perfect!”They share the same sense of adventure and instinctual commitment to get the most out of every second of life… be it family time, couple moments, engaged with the world around them, or with the family and friends they love so much. To say they love bikes is an understatement. Nicole has six and Alan has five. Even their daughter Sophie has two – and she’s still a toddler! Biking is a major part of their lives.

I’d like to share with you Nicole and Alan’s beautiful words about the future they stepped into through their totally custom wedding ceremony: “We want it to be an equal partnership where we make time for each other… and where we can talk openly, honestly, and often. We’ll ride our bikes together, laugh a lot, support each other, and be appreciative and forgiving of one another. We’ll feel contentment, happiness, and loved.”

The vows they wrote for each other were so personal… their words made everyone cry, laugh, and say ‘awww’. We had a very community based closing to the ceremony. And then little Sophie joined her mum and dad for their triumphant walk back down the aisle and towards their new life!

Was so touched by their note to me after the wedding:

“We will always remember our ceremony. It was truly a magical day and the ceremony you created was definitely everything we wanted it to be. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face and gives me a feeling of love and warmth. And here’s what a friend of ours said, “The whole back row was crying and even I was welling up” ……… this from a big tough guy who’s probably not cried since he was 12 years old!”

Always a pleasure to collaborate with the lovely Wedding Planner Rachael Lythe from Sea to Sky Celebrations… the talented adventure photographer Robin O’Neill... and of course the Edgewater Lodge team.

Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant Michele Davidson works with newly engaged couples to create transformational and totally custom wedding ceremonies. She helps couples expand their vision of their ceremony AND their engagement. It’s a one-in-a-lifetime folks… make it sing!!! Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler wedding ceremonies.  She also travels internationally for weddings! Bali anyone?

For instance, Dan and I do “$10 dates” where one person has to figure out how to take the other on a cool date and spend just $10. We remember some of these dates more than fancy dinners out!  Don’t let tight schedules keep you from being romantic. Get in the habit of making time NOW or you will begin to take each other for granted.

HERE’S YOUR MISSION -

Make a list of ideas of what you could do for your partner. Don’t edit yourself. Use your creativity! Write down as many as you can. Make a goal of filling one entire page with ideas big and small, free, inexpensive and once-in-a-while treats.

Stuck for ideas? Here are some to get you started.

• Create a CD with music your partner likes.
• When your partner comes home from work make them a cup of tea or pour them a glass of wine while you make dinner.
• Write and hide simple love notes.
• Bring flowers for absolutely no reason and put them on your partner’s bedside table.
• Pour your partner a bubble bath complete with candles and maybe champagne.
• Read poetry or erotica aloud to each other. (Nice!!!)

Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant Michele Davidson works with newly engaged couples to create transformational and totally custom wedding ceremonies. She helps couples expand their vision of their ceremony AND their engagement.  It’s a one-in-a-lifetime… make it sing!!!   Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Whistler wedding ceremonies and Vancouver wedding ceremonies.  She also travels internationally for weddings!  Bali anyone?

When a conflict or problem doesn’t get resolved in the way one or both of you wished for, write about it in your couple Conflict Journal. Over time you will see patterns and find you are having the same conflict many times over. NOW is the perfect time to begin learning from your conflicts by using a Conflict Journal.  FIRST TASK:  Get out there and buy a journal. Choose one with a cover that inspires you or buy a plain one and collage the cover. This will be your ‘Conflict Journal’. You may decide you want to call it something else, such as ‘Our Hard Times’ or ‘Life Lessons’.

NOW:  Around an issue of conflict, ask yourselves these questions. Each of you can write your own answer.

•  What could I have done differently?
• What would have worked better? (Remember that you can only change one person – yourself. Focus only on what YOU could have done differently.)
• What did I learn from this conflict? (Again, this is not about what you think your partner should have figured out.)

You may still be pissed off at your beloved after writing about it. That’s okay. The goal is to try to look deeper to see what this conflict has stirred up in you and to gain insight into what its roots might be. Don’t just shove things aside and tell yourself to think positive. Take time on your own and together to reflect on what really bugged you about that conflict. Usually there is a connection to past hurts or fears. Share these with each other in the way you learned about yesterday: use a timer, let each other speak uninterrupted, and really listen deeply with a curious mind.

If you liked this tip, stay tuned every day this week when Wedding Celebrant Michele Davidson will share tips to help you thrive during your engagement and learn tools to create an emotionally fulfilling marriage.

Here’s what you do to create your own Loveshop / Workshop just for the two of you.

Your first task is to agree to spend one day together once a month doing working on your relationship and preparing for your marriage. It should be a full day, e.g. beginning at 10 am and finishing at 6 pm. Yes, you can take a break for lunch. And you can wear your pajamas, for all I care! You need to decide on the day. YOU NEED TO BOOK IT!

Here’s the thing: No phones, no TV, no texting, no distractions. You can’t bail because you were up too late the night before. In case you’re wondering, there is a good reason for creating a firm structure like this. Being disciplined about it shows that you’re willing to make time for important things together. It also demonstrates that you will step up to the plate when the going gets tough (and believe me it will). Dedicating this time means you matter to each other.

If your engagement is a YEAR long, awesome! You will have 12 days to explore, discover, and plan for marriage. Think about how much time and research goes into planning a month long trip. Since marriage will be a life long journey, twelve days of planning sounds like a good start to me!  If you are getting married in 4 months, you might want to book 2 days a month for the next four months.  SOONER… book a weekend – STAT! (And eek, you might actually want to get going on planning that wedding!)

Topic for your First Workshop – Assumptions & Expectations

We all have expectations that we’ve been carrying around since childhood about what married couples do and do not do. What a Wife does and doesn’t…How a Husband should and should not behave. If you don’t start talking about these things now, when they happen both of you will be surprised! This is a fantastic topic for your first Engagement Workshop, which you booked into your calendar yesterday. Right?

Ready set go: Separately, write down a list of your assumptions around ‘should and should not’ behaviours. Brainstorm. Some will be serious, e.g. boyfriends can go to a strip club but Husbands shouldn’t. Others will be fun or even humorous, e.g. a Wife should never call her Husband ‘Daddy’. Who knows?  Sit down and read them to each other. Be forewarned, some may be difficult or you may disagree. Keep your curious mind and seek to understand.

You have the rest of the day to talk them through. Use a 2-minute timer for the difficult ones. The person who is explaining can talk uninterrupted while the timer is running. The other person must listen until they are done before asking questions. If conversations get heated, use that timer… over and over!

You can also talk about things like:

• What are your expectations of each other when one of you is sick? What kind of care/babying/fussing/food?
• What are assumptions around family and couple rituals around significant holidays? Christmas, Hanukah, Diwali, etc.

If you liked this tip, stay tuned this week when Modern Celebrant’s Michele Davidson will share tips to help you thrive during your engagement and learn tools to create an emotionally fulfilling marriage.

*** Don’t forget to SHARE THE LOVE by tweeting, liking, loving and forwarding this post!!!

Want to hear my #1 advice to newly-engaged couples?  Here it is — take a couple of weeks to just enjoy BEING engaged!!!

Give yourselves a few weeks and then begin the process of planning. Remember that the original intent of engagement was to focus on getting to know each other at a deeper level and building the foundation for a lasting relationship. Please don’t make the mistake of reducing your engagement into merely a planning and logistics management exercise.

I love working with my couples to expand the emotional aspect of the months prior to their wedding. ( check out this FAB article. )

Over the next week I’ll be sharing a Daily reflection with ‘homework’ for couples on the path to marriage. We’ll focus on some FUN & JUICY ENGAGEMENT EXERCISES over the next few days. Don’t forget to tune in and please share with your own networks so we can elevate the engagement experience of as many couples as possible. That’s what friends do!

Happy New Year and Happy Engagement!

Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant

Your child has died. Whether through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, it is a profound loss. As raw and painful as your loss is, my hope for you is that this can be a time of transformation.

I don’t believe in the platitude of closure. Closure implies closing a book, never to open it again.  Transformation is about being touched by what has happened to you and carrying this new wisdom into future experiences. Transformation comes from clarity and awareness. From being awakened by grief and not beaten down by it.

The only way through grief is to affirm it. You can do this by being present to this dark place and getting to know yourself within it.  With the right support, you can explore your inner world by tuning into the emotions you are feeling. I often remind people that today’s pervading culture of immediacy and being positive no-matter-what can make us feel we must rush our grief. But that is not a healthy long term strategy. Unprocessed grief has a way of coming back to bite us.

Opportunities for Discovery

This is a passage time in your life. Adjusting to being pregnant and not pregnant, to the flame of a life and the snuffing out of it, is a transition. A life transition. A passage time, much like walking down a long hallway from one room to the next. Other symbolic analogies are crossing a threshold, walking through a gateway, or opening a door and walking through.

Passage times are like walking in a maze. In a maze you can get lost. But in a labyrinth you can’t. You must walk learn to walk this maze with the confidence of walking in a labyrinth, knowing with certainty that you will find your way out. Many others have lost and will lose a child. Unfortunately rituals of comfort and wisdom, once so helpful in the past, are rarely passed down woman to woman.

I have a personal interest in helping women (and couples) use ritual to mark the loss of a pregnancy or infant.  I invite you to book a conversation with me about how I can help you tap into collective wisdom in a contemporary and personal way.

by Michele Davidson, Master Celebrant & Seeker of Meaning