How to say goodbye to a Loved One
One of my go-to books when working with the dying and their families is called Final Gifts. Authors Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley are long-time hospice nurses. They offer such practical wisdom, and answer the questions people have around how to be with someone who is dying. Because I love this book so much I was delighted to see Oprah include this excerpt in O Magazine’s Best Pieces of Advice.
“First and most important: Meet the dying person where she is. She may be in denial, and denial is a fabulous crutch. You don’t pull a crutch out from under somebody. Try to validate the feelings behind the denial.
So imagine your aunt says, “Let’s reserve a house at the lake this summer. I loved the weeks we used to spend there.” You don’t rush out to make a reservation; you reminisce with her about those good times. She’s living in memories much kinder than her reality. But let’s say she tells you, “You know, I’m not going to live much longer.” The door’s open. Be honest, direct. Tell her you hate that this is happening. Tell her it mattered that she was here. Tell her how she enriched your life, that she won’t be forgotten. This is no time to pussyfoot. For God’s sake, don’t tell her she looks great, or that she’ll pull through. Pretending creates a chasm of loneliness for the dying. Can you imagine if you were in labor, and no one in the room would acknowledge that you were giving birth?
Toward the end, dying people tend to withdraw. You know how when you drop a pebble in a pond, the rings ripple out? For a dying person, the rings go in. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in politics or sports or the next room. Eventually all that matters is I’m hot. I’m cold. I love you. Do you love me? At that point, all that’s required is your presence. Be quiet. Put your hands on hers. That’s it.”
—Maggie Callanan, hospice nurse since 1981 and co-author of the celebrated book Final Gifts
Master Celebrant Michele Davidson is Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant. She works with individuals, couples, and families to create transformational and totally custom ceremonies. Michele helps people expand their vision of their ceremony. Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler ceremonies. She also travels internationally for to perform her deeply intentional ceremonies for remarkable people.
In addition to Celebrations of Life and other larger more public remembrance ceremonies, Funeral Celebrants like myself also perform more intimate services for the Scattering of Ashes and Graveside Ceremonies. Most families feel these are very important, but they haven’t a clue how to make it so. 
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I am a professional Celebrant who serves our community in times of joy and in times of sorrow. Like many others who support individuals, families, and communities in times of sorrow, I am called to do this work. I was a hospice and palliative care volunteer for many years. The experiences there helped me learn to be fully present with grieving clients. Many Funeral Celebrants have a similar background. Go with your gut sense of who will hold your confidences in the highest regard. Someone to whom you feel you can say anything and won’t be judged, and with whom you can be however you need to be, without pretending.
Your loved one has died. Who will help plan the Memorial or Celebration of Life? Every month a grieving family finds me and I can see their panic and then their relief. Panic at not having a clue how to plan such an important event as a Memorial or Celebration of Life for someone they loved with all their heart. Relief to find someone unstuffy, real, and totally on their side, who will help them to do it.