How to say goodbye to a Loved One

One of my go-to books when working with the dying and their families is called Final Gifts. Authors Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley are long-time hospice nurses.  They offer such practical wisdom, and answer the questions people have around how to be with someone who is dying.  Because I love this book so much I was delighted to see Oprah include this excerpt in O Magazine’s Best Pieces of Advice.

“First and most important: Meet the dying person where she is. She may be in denial, and denial is a fabulous crutch. You don’t pull a crutch out from under somebody. Try to validate the feelings behind the denial.

So imagine your aunt says, “Let’s reserve a house at the lake this summer. I loved the weeks we used to spend there.” You don’t rush out to make a reservation; you reminisce with her about those good times. She’s living in memories much kinder than her reality. But let’s say she tells you, “You know, I’m not going to live much longer.” The door’s open. Be honest, direct. Tell her you hate that this is happening. Tell her it mattered that she was here. Tell her how she enriched your life, that she won’t be forgotten. This is no time to pussyfoot. For God’s sake, don’t tell her she looks great, or that she’ll pull through. Pretending creates a chasm of loneliness for the dying. Can you imagine if you were in labor, and no one in the room would acknowledge that you were giving birth?

Toward the end, dying people tend to withdraw. You know how when you drop a pebble in a pond, the rings ripple out? For a dying person, the rings go in. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in politics or sports or the next room. Eventually all that matters is I’m hot. I’m cold. I love you. Do you love me? At that point, all that’s required is your presence. Be quiet. Put your hands on hers. That’s it.”

—Maggie Callanan, hospice nurse since 1981 and co-author of the celebrated book Final Gifts

Master Celebrant Michele Davidson is Vancouver and Whistler’s Modern Celebrant. She works with individuals, couples, and families to create transformational and totally custom ceremonies. Michele helps people expand their vision of their ceremony. Email Michele at Michele@moderncelebrant.ca for Vancouver + Whistler ceremonies. She also travels internationally for to perform her deeply intentional ceremonies for remarkable people.

One of the reasons I love Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery

As you will know by now, I am a big fan of Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery. Progressive, inclusive, very community spirited — they even have an artist in resident Ms. Paula Jardine.

Someone I have got to know over the past year or so is Facility Manager Robin Naiman.  She brings such a sense of calm and trust to her work. When you meet Robin to discuss holding a memorial or celebration of life at Mountain View, you know immediately that you are in good hands.  Intrigued by this graceful woman who knows all things related to the Celebration Hall where I have performed a number of Vancouver funerals and memorials, I thought it might be fun to ask her to tell us more about herself and how/why she came to her work at Mountain View Cemetery.  You’ll love what she had to say:

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