Archive for the 'Mindful Divorce – My Divorce Ceremonies' Category

Donna’s June Divorce Ceremony

On June 27^th this year, I wrote a unique ceremony for Donna Barker to unbind the emotional ties of her marriage to her former husband.

Though the actual divorce had been finalized a year previously, for Donna (as with most people) a bit of space was needed to be emotionally ready to close this important chapter of her life and turn the page on another.

I wonder many of you, dear readers, have been to a Divorce Ceremony before?

HOW DID I EXPLAIN IT TO DONNA’S GUESTS?

Here is some of what I said as I opened Donna’s ceremony, hoping the words would help explain the underlying meaning of our gathering:

“Like all experiences of significant transition, divorce has the power to transform the lives of those who go through it.  Though there is no denying that it’s painful and takes much inner work.

This ceremony is part of that process.  And this is why such a ceremony is often not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over.  It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.  Donna has done this inner work – admirably I might add – and now it is time to bring what has been inward, outward, that others may witness it.

In this ceremony, Donna will symbolically cross an emotional threshold. She will take her leave from one time of her life and step forward into another.  In doing so she will acknowledge the blessings of her marriage and very importantly the opportunities that lie ahead as the result of its conclusion.”

I’m proud of this ceremony… I put my heart and soul into its creation.  Donna is an extremely brave beautiful soul and it was incredibly important to me that I honour her commitment to being brutally honest with herself.  It takes a lot of GUTS to admit our role in events when things go dramatically awry!

The ceremony turned out beautifully.  It flowed naturally through an emotional arc, from sorrow to acknowledgment to acceptance and finally to hope. And throughout, it rang with Donna’s own words collected from the reflections I designed to bring out her story, as well as our interview.

IMPORTANT ELEMENTS IN A DIVORCE CEREMONY

In addition to the story telling component of this commissioned ceremony, here are some of the ritual elements we included:

• Donna was adorned with flower garlands made by a friend.
• She wore a fabulous new dress.  This is something I suggest to every client participating in a transitional ceremony (aren’t they all) …. new clothing is deeply symbolic of new directions and of personal commitment to change.
• I also suggest a small gift or token to give to guests who have supported one through a difficult time.  Again, Donna took the idea and ran with it… sewing sweet little hankies for everyone.
• We clipped the four corners of her Marriage Certificate, symbolically rendering it null and void.
• And Donna read Pledges to her ex-husband. Particularly moving were those around respectful communication and care for their son.
• Friends Catherine and Suzanne read poems Donna had selected, and Dave (buddy Dave not partner Dave) sang a song that Donna feels speaks to who she is and the way she lives her life.

WHAT WAS THE RESULT?

This was an emotionally charged ceremony for sure!  It seemed to help friends begin to let go of their own sorrow and anger. As for Donna, she went home to her new partner Dave with a new feeling in her heart.  Donna says she felt for the first time that day, after the ceremony, that yes, “I think I can get married again!”

I sure hope I get to do her marriage ceremony one day!!!

HEAR THE CEREMONY FOR YOURSELF!

You can hear CBC reporter Pamela Post’s interviews with Donna and myself on a mini-doc that aired this October on CBC Tapestry.  The program includes portions of the ceremony!  It’s a moving piece so as Donna says, “Get your hankies ready!”

CLICK HERE to listen

Why I’m Pioneering Divorce Ceremonies

Isn’t it curious that we have rituals and ceremonies for just about every big experience in our society, but nothing for divorce?  A ceremony to begin a marriage…but nothing to end it?

Yet, like all experiences of significant transition, divorce has the power to transform the lives of those who go through it.  Though there is no denying that it’s painful and takes much inner work.

As I develop my Celebrancy practice, I realize in talking with people that there is a HUGE (and very underserved) yearning to move forward from divorce with integrity and a renewed sense of self.

And this is why Divorce Ceremonies are of such great interest to me. Divorce is such a huge transition and I think it’s a terrible shame that sitting down with a lawyer is the associated rite in our society.

It’s my hope that Divorce Ceremonies — not to be confused with that tragic American phenomena of Divorce Parties!!! – will become a broadly accepted way to end a marriage. And respected as a helpful way for individuals and families to move forward with resolve and hope.

My Marriage Dissolution Ceremonies are part of this process. (Note: I use the terms Divorce and Marriage Dissolution interchangeably.)

And while I am certainly not the only one doing these sorts of ceremonies in Vancouver, there are few opportunities to work with a professional non-denominational ceremonialist here.  In terms of non-secular divorce traditions: I honour the Jewish tradition of the ‘Giving of the Get‘ to signify the end of a marriage.  (And no, I am not Jewish.  I am of the Buddhist faith.  But I am fascinated by Jewish ritual.)

So who’s my typical divorce ceremony client?

More often than not, I work with ONE of the former spouses… more women than men, though I hope that will change.

Several divorced men at a recent divorce ceremony told me, “I wish I had known about this when I got divorced!”

It is definitely possible to work with a couple — though a collaborative respectful relationship between the two of them is important.

For most people, such a ceremony is not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over.  It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.

I believe it’s important to remember that while a couple has concluded their marriage, it does not mean that the entire marriage was a failure.  In virtually every marriage, no matter how dysfunctional, lessons and blessings lay within.

The transformation for the participant and their family and friends — well, it’s quite dramatic.  Whenever I do one of these ceremonies, I am awestruck by the triumph of the human spirit.

Thanks for reading!

Please PASS THIS ON… we all know someone touched by the pain of divorce.  Someone who may be struggling and will find hope and inspiration here.

Celebrant Michele Davidson
Meaningful Ceremonies for Birth, Marriage, and Death

Celebrant Michele on CBC – Oct 25th

Heads Up!

CBC Radio will be airing a documentary about one of my recent ceremonies.  The piece is called:  Donna’s June Divorce.   The specific program is called Tapestry… with the piece scheduled to air Sunday, October 25th at 3 pm.

It includes highly regarded CBC reporter Pamela Post’s interview with me about my pioneering of Marriage Dissolution (aka Divorce) Ceremonies here in BC.  And a more extended interview with Donna, the brave woman for whom I wrote this beautiful and incredibly moving ceremony.

Hers is a story of sadness yes, but mostly it is one of inspiration.  The ceremony I created for Donna focuses her stepping forward into the next chapter of her life with hope and intention, while acknowledging the pain of the divorce as well as the good of her marriage.

You’ll hear how transformative the event was for Donna, and also for the friends who attended (most of whom were somewhat dubious to begin with!)

The ceremony was taped when it was performed and will be aired along with the interviews — so you can hear for yourself the many touching, funny, and poignant moments (and hear me in action if you haven’t had that opportunity!)

The producer believes people across Canada will be moved.  After all, who among us don’t know anyone touched by divorce?  Indeed many of you have had a personal experience.

And so, I do hope you will listen as it airs… or you can log on to CBC Tapestry’s website afterwards to listen to the program at your convenience.  Here are the specs:

* Tapestry: Sunday OCTOBER 25th @ 3 pm –  88.1 FM and 690 AM

* If you miss the program when it airs, you can listen via the archive of past shows which can be found at:  http://www.cbc.ca/tapestry/archives.html

May I ask that you pass this on to friends and family who may be interested?

It’s my hope that this program reaches out and inspires the thousands of Canadians struggling to find meaning and hope in the face of divorce.

Warm regards,
Michele

Celebrant Michele Davidson
Meaningful Ceremonies for Birth, Marriage, and Death