Donna’s June Divorce Ceremony

October 29th, 2009

On June 27^th this year, I wrote a unique ceremony for Donna Barker to unbind the emotional ties of her marriage to her former husband.

Though the actual divorce had been finalized a year previously, for Donna (as with most people) a bit of space was needed to be emotionally ready to close this important chapter of her life and turn the page on another.

I wonder many of you, dear readers, have been to a Divorce Ceremony before?

HOW DID I EXPLAIN IT TO DONNA’S GUESTS?

Here is some of what I said as I opened Donna’s ceremony, hoping the words would help explain the underlying meaning of our gathering:

“Like all experiences of significant transition, divorce has the power to transform the lives of those who go through it.  Though there is no denying that it’s painful and takes much inner work.

This ceremony is part of that process.  And this is why such a ceremony is often not appropriate until well after the marriage is legally over.  It takes time to view the relationship with forgiveness and conciliation.  Donna has done this inner work – admirably I might add – and now it is time to bring what has been inward, outward, that others may witness it.

In this ceremony, Donna will symbolically cross an emotional threshold. She will take her leave from one time of her life and step forward into another.  In doing so she will acknowledge the blessings of her marriage and very importantly the opportunities that lie ahead as the result of its conclusion.”

I’m proud of this ceremony… I put my heart and soul into its creation.  Donna is an extremely brave beautiful soul and it was incredibly important to me that I honour her commitment to being brutally honest with herself.  It takes a lot of GUTS to admit our role in events when things go dramatically awry!

The ceremony turned out beautifully.  It flowed naturally through an emotional arc, from sorrow to acknowledgment to acceptance and finally to hope. And throughout, it rang with Donna’s own words collected from the reflections I designed to bring out her story, as well as our interview.

IMPORTANT ELEMENTS IN A DIVORCE CEREMONY

In addition to the story telling component of this commissioned ceremony, here are some of the ritual elements we included:

• Donna was adorned with flower garlands made by a friend.
• She wore a fabulous new dress.  This is something I suggest to every client participating in a transitional ceremony (aren’t they all) …. new clothing is deeply symbolic of new directions and of personal commitment to change.
• I also suggest a small gift or token to give to guests who have supported one through a difficult time.  Again, Donna took the idea and ran with it… sewing sweet little hankies for everyone.
• We clipped the four corners of her Marriage Certificate, symbolically rendering it null and void.
• And Donna read Pledges to her ex-husband. Particularly moving were those around respectful communication and care for their son.
• Friends Catherine and Suzanne read poems Donna had selected, and Dave (buddy Dave not partner Dave) sang a song that Donna feels speaks to who she is and the way she lives her life.

WHAT WAS THE RESULT?

This was an emotionally charged ceremony for sure!  It seemed to help friends begin to let go of their own sorrow and anger. As for Donna, she went home to her new partner Dave with a new feeling in her heart.  Donna says she felt for the first time that day, after the ceremony, that yes, “I think I can get married again!”

I sure hope I get to do her marriage ceremony one day!!!

HEAR THE CEREMONY FOR YOURSELF!

You can hear CBC reporter Pamela Post’s interviews with Donna and myself on a mini-doc that aired this October on CBC Tapestry.  The program includes portions of the ceremony!  It’s a moving piece so as Donna says, “Get your hankies ready!”

CLICK HERE to listen